Home > Uncategorized > Dreams: The Heart’s Longing?

Dreams: The Heart’s Longing?

My eyes ease open to unfamiliar, but well used, sheets. My right arm is propping up a pillow while my left is wrapped around a woman’s waist. It takes me a moment but in the moonlight I recognize the dirty blond hair as Eva’s natural colour, even if it is several inches shorter than I remember. I begin to hear crying in another room, I feel Eva stir in my arms before kissing the back of her neck while telling her I would take care of it. She mumbles an OK before settling back into the covers.

I slide out of the bed, the cold of the hardwood floors helping to sober me up.

The crying grows louder and despite the fact that I don’t recognize this house my body knows exactly where to go. I open a door at the end of the hallway. Inside is a yellow wooden crib. I move forward and lean over the railing to look in. Laying on a white blanket is a baby, her fists balled as she cries. I pick her up, feeling the dampness of her diaper as I do, and bring her over to the changing table set up for times like this.

As I remove the soaked diaper and clean her, I take in her features — knowing beyond a doubt that this is my child. Her tanned skin, light brown and very thick hair, and facial features reminiscent of both me and Eva. I slide a new diaper under her, humming a lullaby to calm her down.

She quiets down to hiccups then cooing as I tickle her belly. She reaches up with chubby arms, wanting me to hold her and as I oblige, lays her head down on my shoulder. I sway around the room, having a chattering conversation.

Then I wake and panic. I know dreams like this lead to hurt, I all ready learned that lesson the hard way. All my experience is screaming at me to forget this ever happened and not stress about one dream.

So why is it I woke up feeling like a part of me had been ripped away?

  1. March 9, 2009 at 1:16 PM

    Even having never experienced something like this, I absolutely love it… feel like I was there.

    Dreams affect us more than we let on…

    Even now, half a day later, I can still feel what I felt during the dream. For instance, I woke up smelling Johnson & Johnson.

  2. March 9, 2009 at 1:26 PM

    I’ve had these, I call them “happily ever after” dreams. I once dreamt that I was in a hospital bed, cradling a newborn girl in my arms. I knew right away who the father of the child was; the rosy cheeks, red hair and size were enough of a hint. Sure enough, I look over and there he was, fast asleep in a chair.
    Dreams unlock both your deepest desires and your fears; they should never be ignored or tossed aside, no matter how painful.

    I’ve had this type of dream before too. I got burned in the end. Thus my near panic attack when I have one about an unborn child with Eva. I know they shouldn’t be ignored but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to try.

  3. March 9, 2009 at 1:57 PM

    Beautifully written!

    I wish I could say more, but your post simply evoked memories of my own… Followed by a deep sigh just now. =/

    There’s a meaning behind all dreams, no matter how completely irrelevant they may seem or how rooted in reality they are. And maybe there’s something more to this you aren’t seeing…

    My first thought, aside from personal ones…where was Daybreak?

    I’ve been in deep sigh/oh-my-god-someone-give-me-some-tequila-for-my-nerves! mode all day so I get the feeling. As far as the meaning of this dream, I think the meaning is pretty clear. Even if I’m not quite ready to say the words out loud.

    Considering the fact that both me and Eva looked like we were in our late 20’s, early 30’s I’m guessing she was in her room with the door closed thinking about how unfair we were to her in a bout of primadonna preteen angst or trying to talk on the phone low enough so we woudn’t hear her. The idea of Daybreak as a teenager scares me for more than one reason.

  4. March 9, 2009 at 2:23 PM

    You’re such a good writer.

    I had a dream like this a few weeks ago…mine was little more humorous. I was pregnant, alone on a business trip when I find out that my left leg is broken. Then my water breaks and of course, Boyfriend is not answering his phone. It’s crazy to have a dream like that…where you’re being a grown up, yet feeling so young. And despite that, the dream is still so incredibly realistic!

    At first I tried to rationalize to myself that it was too soon to be having these kind of thoughts but then I remembered that I’ve seen Daybreak as my own since at least August. Argument kind of fell flat at that point.

    Kind of funny comment on your dream, that is how my cousin was born except her mom was in an airport.

  5. March 9, 2009 at 6:54 PM

    Aw man. I can totally relate. I want that too, although not quite yet. Beautifully written though!

    I’m still kind of amazed that I admitted to wanting it.

  6. March 10, 2009 at 9:38 AM

    I think you and I are fighting the same subconscious train of thought, or at least a related one. You describe yours well, and I am in awe at how comfortable you feel in your dream (or so it appears), whereas in mine I struggled the entire time.

    I wonder if my dream somehow inspired yours, though you clearly already confront these issues on a very regular basis!!

    When I first wrote a tweet about this, I actually blamed you for it. But honestly, I have had this type of dream before. I think I’ve largely dealt with the fact that Daybreak sees me as her dad and that I see her as my daughter, the idea of other children still manages to freak me out.

  7. Jen
    March 10, 2009 at 4:51 PM

    Dreams are a funny thing for me.
    Sometimes they actually come true, and I only realize it’s happening as it’s happening.
    Other times, I wish it’d happen. Like recently, I dreamed of my parents. I actually asked “is this a dream?” and they wouldn’t really answer me, but they did finally shake their heads no, so I believed them…and it felt as if I stepped out of Dreamland and into Reality. No more fogginess.

    I’ve also had a dream of a little girl with a bunch of brown hair and blue eyes like mine. . . and I know that’s never going to happen, so in a way, dreams that are lovely as you experience them, when you wake and realize they’re not real, can be the worst of nightmares.

    The problem with this one was that I now WANT it to happen, something that I should know better than to hope for. Thanks for stopping by the blog.

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