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Baby Steps People, Baby Steps

You may have noticed that I have not written any serious posts in a while. It hasn’t been because I have nothing I want to talk about. I do, believe me, I have something that has been bursting inside me for a few weeks now. The problem? I had no idea how to go about addressing it. To quote the fantabulous LiLu, “I’d rather keep you smiling.”

But I think I need to get this out there somewhere, even if it is just in a protected post.

Since January, I’ve been distracted. I’m damn good at hiding it but I always have this anxiety building up in my chest. Hello panic attacks, I’ve missed you.

At first I thought it was because I was working 30-hour+ weeks while taking 16 credit hours, all while balancing my girlfriend, her daughter, my friends, and this blog. Despite the fact that I barely have time to breathe much less find time to exercise, read for fun, go to the movies,or sing I still do. Somehow.

But always there is the spectre of…something present.

And slowly, I figured out what that something was.

When in the first three months of 2009, SEVEN?! of my friends have gotten engaged (two to each other), all I could think was what was in the water and how could I avoid it. When one of said friends asked me to sing and play guitar at their wedding, I was honoured to say yes but in the back of my mind there was a crisis of epic proportions brewing.

The kicker? One day I stumble onto Jenny the Bloggess for the first time and what post should I read? Yep, the first ever blog marriage proposal.

Seriously Universe? Seriously?!

I thought things were getting ridiculous. Then people, both in real life and in the bloggy world, started asking me when I planned on proposing to Eva. When I say it won’t be anytime soon, some (in a move that never fails to escape my understanding) get angry with me. As if I have an expiration date on my relationship with this woman and only giving her a ring can save it. One person even had the cajones to tell me to grow up and do it all ready.

I can say with complete honesty that I love this woman more than I can ever fully express. Despite my attempts to dissuade her from liking me in the first place, she came to love me. To want me in her life.

Then you have Daybreak who I can now admit fairly freely that I see as my daughter. Said fact still boggles my mind if I stop to think about it. Even though neither is a new event by any means, I still sometimes get confused as to who she is talking to when she says “Papa” or “Daddy”, the latter having become increasingly common as of late. After Eva asked me to describe what I thought a dad should do for their daughter, I told her as she wrote down what I said. She then gave me instances of me doing each item on said list at least three times each.

However, I know I am not ready for marriage. Eva has admitted that she isn’t either. I’m barely 21 while she is still a few months shy of 22, we are both still in school (although she’s a grad student), and we still have about two months before our one year anniversary. As far as us living together, that’s less an issue of being ready and more that it would be a giant hassle for me to move in with her or getting a place of our own as she still more than a year on her lease. This is why when I move out of my apartment next month, I’m renting a house with Scarlett.

That last bit really put a bee in some bonnets (especially with my family). Here’s a newsflash for those of you (if any) thinking on how can I live with another girl while dating Eva. My answer? Ignoring both the fact that I am head over heels for Eva and that me and Scarlett act like siblings a great deal of the time, I kind of have the wrong plumbing for her romantic tastes. Therefore she is the perfect roommate. The fact that she is even more into video games than I am is just an added bonus.

While the day may come where I do go crazy propose, I can promise you that it is nowhere in the near future. I know the story usually goes dating to engagement to wedding to children and that I am breaking that unwritten law by (in my mind and heart) having a daughter all ready, I don’t particularly give a flying fuck.

I’ve never been one to do things  the normal way, why should love be any different?

  1. April 3, 2009 at 12:51 PM

    no one can tell you what is right or wrong for YOURSELF!

    from what i read you are a fantastic, caring, loyal person who is happy with his life and everyone in it! you derserve happiness and happiness doesnt have to come with a wedding ring. happiness is what is in your heart.

    do your thing.

    i dont judge you for not proposing (i mean its not even a year… calm down people) or living with a female roommate. there is nothing wrong with either of those situations.

    “Happiness doesn’t have to come with a wedding ring.” I think I’m a bit in love with that quote.

  2. splendidmishap
    April 3, 2009 at 1:00 PM

    you will know when the time is right. funny you mention this topic. im working on a new post about getting married young. ALL OF MY FRIENDS ARE DOING IT!!!! it’s exhausting, really.

    It is exhausting and while I am happy for each and every one of them, I can’t help but curl in the fetal position at the thought of getting married right now.

  3. Just A Girl
    April 3, 2009 at 1:03 PM

    Oh for pete’s sake, you’re (no offense) a kid. When I was 21 I was nowhere NEAR ready. Even 4 years later, I’m still not. That’s way too big of a decision to “just grow up and do it.”

    Um also, I’ve had several male roommates and, as of now, have not slept with any of them. Totally weird I know. Turns out that sometimes men and women can be JUST friends.

    While I may act older than I am, I know I’m not ready for that so no offense taken. I like the idea of just enjoying my relationship with the girlfriend.

    Considering a good majority of my close friends are female and have only had sex with two (the ex and the current girlfriend) I always knew men and women can just be friends.

  4. April 3, 2009 at 1:11 PM

    Take your time. No need to rush anything. It sounds like everything is going very well in both your lives and things are progressing naturally. That’s the best way to do it.

    It’s much better to be single and wish you were married than married wishing you were single. I think that’s always the risk you take when you rush things too soon. I applaud you for making decisions for yourself, rather than trying to keep up with the Joneses. No one can tell you what’s right for you. As long as you and Eva are being honest with other about where you’re heading, I think you’re doing what you feel is best.

    And can I just tell you that your confidence is one of the things I like best about you?

    I am a rather firm believer in the moral from “The Tortoise and the Hare”. Also, I had a flashback to my adoptive mother when you talked about keeping up with the Joneses. That’s one of her favourite sayings.

    You think I’m confident? That’s surprising to me when one of the things I dislike most about myself is my lack thereof.

  5. April 3, 2009 at 1:49 PM

    I do, particularly in regards to Daybreak and not denying your love for her. Also, some of the things you post on your blog are pretty bold, which makes me feel like you don’t care what others think. Either way, I perceive you as confident, so get used to it. :p

    Hmm, you do have some good points. And I do have a pretty lax attitude about peoples’ opinions of me.

  6. April 3, 2009 at 2:39 PM

    Why rush something that you’re pretty certain will eventually happen, right? That’s how the boyfriend and I feel – well, we haven’t much talked marriage yet, but about living together anyway. Things are good as they are, so why push the issue and force it on ourselves now because we both know it’s the next step if, in reality, we’re not quite ready to take it?

    Things happen right when they are ready and meant to.

  7. Tinkerbell
    April 3, 2009 at 2:43 PM

    Well, you know my views on marriage. As long as you love someone, does it really matter if you marry them or not? A ring is just a bit of metal, it doesn’t define the love that you feel. It is just a thing society came up with. When you are ready, you will get married if that is what you are meant to do. As for Daybreak being your daughter and you not being married to Eva, I am in the same situation with Allen. He claims me as his daughter and he isn’t even married to my mom, nor does he plan on it. The definition of a family is those who stick by your side through the good times and bad times. Unconditional love is love in the purest form.
    The small, but mighty Tink

  8. April 3, 2009 at 3:01 PM

    So many people that I graduated with are getting engaged or have already gotten engaged, and I’m younger than you are. I really don’t understand the rush/ need to settle down ASAP and I don’t think people realize the complications that marriage throws into life when you’re just barely out of puberty.
    My friend has been dating and living with the same guy for her entire undergrad stint, and they’re still putting of engagement until things are more stable in their lives.
    That being said, I think it’s fantastic that you’re going to wait.

    As for living with Scarlett, I think it’s a fabulous idea. If people have a problem with that, they need to go stuff themselves and then let go of their 18th century social constructs.

  9. April 3, 2009 at 5:06 PM

    I am fantabulous, aren’t I?

    But I so hear you on this. I mean, B and I are sort of redic and even though we both had 6 months left on our leases, we fought tooth and nail to get out of them so we could sit on Our Couch in Our Apartment every night in peace. But as I said, we’re a wee bit retardulous. I love that you’re almost 5 years younger than me and making the more responsible decisions… DADDY 😉

  10. April 5, 2009 at 1:36 AM

    There is a reason why the divorce rate is so high, and one of those reasons is getting married or engaged for the wrong reasons. Some people see it as ‘the next step’ and so rush into is too quickly. Take your time, wait until you are ready. The audacity of some people telling you to “grow up” and do it all ready! They obviously are the ones who need to grow up. Marriage is a lifetime commitment and not one to be taken lightly. Good for you for taking your own road.

  11. April 9, 2009 at 11:48 AM

    Don’t let anyone tell you what to do when it comes to your relationship with the person you love. I married husband six months after our first date. We BOTH knew it was right but everyone else gave us a colossal amount of shit for it. Fifteen years later it is even more right than it was then and we say “neener-neener” every once in a while to the nay-sayers.

    Only you and her know what is right and when it is right and everyone else can go take a gigantic hike!

  12. April 9, 2009 at 11:55 AM

    21!?! Hells to the no.

    Just keep following your heart….you’re doing good so far!!

  13. April 10, 2009 at 12:34 PM

    I’m with all your friends, here, Kendall. Do what’s right for you when it’s right for you. You have something solid with Eva and Daybreak. It’s going to be that with or without a ring and a piece of paper. If you’re not ready to be married, being married would be a mistake. If both you and Eva aren’t ready to be married, being married would be a disaster!

    Keep doing what you’re doing. I’ll be when you sing and play guitar at your friend’s wedding, it will be lovely.

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