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This Too Shall Pass

Lie: A friend sees a GRE-study guide on my desk while I’m bleeding ink all over a few of my sophomores’ essays after the students have left.

“So Kendall, are you ready to take this? It’s in a few weeks right?”

“Yeah but I’m feeling pretty good about it. It’s just another test.”

Reality: I still cannot believe that a) I said such bullshit with a completely straight face and b) that she actually bought it.

Way back in 2005 when I first took the SAT, I honestly did think of it as just another test (albeit one that pretty much determined whether I could get into college) but it was like no big deal back then. Now I have the general GRE in less than a week and the English exam about a month. It’s like there are air raid alarms going off in my head. All of this on top of it being midterm season.

panic

Panic? Doing It Right.

I was talking about this with my mom way back when I was registering for the damn things and the question she kept asking was why am I putting myself through the stress of it in the first place. The answer to that one is complicated. Partly that I want to be as marketable as possible which sounds vaguely like I’m trying to sell myself at the market. Also that I actually do want to continue learning as nerdy as that may be.

I’ll be upfront in saying that at least part of it is pride, that I eventually do want to earn a doctorate. But mostly? To prove to myself once and for all that I am fully capable of accomplishing this and to shut up that annoying  voice in my head.

She, however, can stay.

She, however, can stay.

Basically my stomach is doing the mambo of uncertainty as I try to figure out just what the fuck am I going to do when May comes and I get handed those two pieces of paper. Other than dance a jig, of course. I have applications to UC-Berkley and NYU largely ready to be sent off. I intend to have finished my Teach For America application by the time their Summer 2010 session starts. I also have all the information the Navy recruiter offered me after I took the ASVAB on a whim and pissed all over it.

So right now, my two main choices right now are to join Teach For America and finance grad studies that way or enlist as a Navy officer and work for them as a linguist. The second one is doubly attractive as my starting salary would be ridiculous and I would be traveling often. Downside, it would be a six-year commitment. Both look eniticing from here and now but I still have plenty of time to make my decision as long as I have options open.

Of course I could always choose “C) none of the above” and just go straight into the teaching field instead but for some reason that one doesn’t seem all that appealing. No matter what though, I’ll have to pack up my life and move to a strange new place. It’ll mean saying goodbye for now to the family I’ve gathered for myself here over the last two years.

That thought hurts like a shot in the nuts.

groinshot

Just ask this guy.

I may obsess over the choice now but I all ready know what I’ll do when the time comes. I’ll research, I’ll weigh the options, and then I’ll do whatever I feel is best for me. But I still reserve the right to freak the fuck out in the interim. I would like to think I’ve earned it and if I haven’t, I simply plug my ears and go ’bout my business.

So here’s to the next big step, to something new and more than just a little horrifying. Here is to the future and all that it brings with it, both good and bad, as it is all part of the adventure.

Cheers, folks!

Cheers, folks!

“Don’t take life too seriously. You’ll never get out alive.”Ryan Reynolds in National Lampoon’s Van Wilder

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  1. October 14, 2009 at 10:46 PM

    Dude, I feel you on this. I am supposed to start grad school in Jan. Kind of freaky.

  2. October 15, 2009 at 6:26 PM

    Way to freak out a little… As if I’m not already scared enough about the damn GRE, ha. Best of luck hun and make sure you tell me how it is.

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