Home > Uncategorized > For Want of a Scream

For Want of a Scream

If you’ve been on Twitter or Fbook at any length for the past…eh, 2 weeks or so you’ll notice a lot of buzz about the horror movie Paranormal Activity since its limited release at the end of last month. Now as someone who has been a horror movie fanatic since the age of 4, I had no choice but to give it a shot.

So after convincing Scarlett that we should go see it (read: wording the request so it sounds like it was her idea), we joined about 50+ people for its national release. Now having heard about how many people who saw the limited release had the leave the theatre because they were too scared. Too scared? To a horror movie junkie, those words are like liquid crack.

Having been told that this movie was as terrifying as The Blair Witch Project I came in with admittedly high expectations.

Had you been in the theatre with me, you would have been treated to me laughing my ass off. While others would scream as you saw something sprint by the camera, I would merely go “why are there coke addicts in this?” When a woman is dragged off by a blanket, I just had an Evil Dead flashback, hence my blanket rape tweet during the movie.

Yet another horror movie, that while giving some surprises, fails to horrify me.

Seriously movie industry? Every time you try to scare me you just end up giving me snark bait or just kinda disgusting me. Freaks (which could have never been made in this day and time), (the original) Halloween, Poltergeist, those were horror movies. The Japanese can still scare the shit out of me if Audition and Ringu (The Ring) are anything to go by. I can still be scared by video games. Dead Space? Yeah, after finishing that one I was jittery for days. Silent Hill? Pyramid Head. Just Pyramid Head.

Jeepers Creepers 3? No. A Nightmare on Elm Street remake? Blasphemy. Saw VI? You’d think Hollywood would know better than to invoke sequelitis. My Super Psycho Sweet 16? Please excuse me while I gag.

Real life? Aside from atrocities and reality TV, TV Tropes has a wonderful list of nightmare fuel animals there was an article that brought back a nightmare from my childhood and made it worse. Now I am pretty sure 99% of us 20somethings have seen at least one of the Jurassic Park movies. And we saw how badass/horrfying the raptors were as they hunted and killed the poor unsuspecing humans. Well if raptors did have feathers, then there is a theory about Wing-Assisted-Incline-Flight which allows birds (i. e. quails) to run up sharp inclines.

Because the intelligence, strength in numbers, Super Mario jumping skills, teeth, and claws weren’t bad enough? Now they run up motherfuckin’ walls?

This...

This...

...plus this

...plus this

equals me never leaving my bed. Ever.

equals me never leaving my bed. Ever.

Basically I want to be scared. I like the adrenaline  rush that I feel whenever I am going out of my mind wondering just what was that scratching noise I can barely hear. So dear movie industry, I am waiting for you to step that game  up. You have given me a lifelong aversion to clowns, shown me how to survive a zombie apocalypse, and have left me a paranoid heap on multiple ocassions. So what happened? When your scariest movies now just make me laugh and/or mock, then we most definitely have a problem.

Sincerely,

A disillusioned fan

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  1. October 20, 2009 at 3:35 PM

    I’ve never understood horror movies in any capacity. I’ll take the laugh over a scream any day.

  2. October 22, 2009 at 3:28 PM

    i just won “my bloody valentine 3-d” at a work function today. i don’t have especially high hopes for it scaring the crap out of me, alas…

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