Home > Uncategorized > Letters from the Mail Bag

Letters from the Mail Bag

Letter #1

Dear puberty,

Thanks to you I have pretty much always looked much older than I am. Being mistaken for your mother’s husband at the doctor’s office? No bueno. Being mistaken by your mother for your father on the phone? I call bullshit. I still haven’t forgiven that pleasant summer of ’99 where it felt like my knees would shatter while my growth spurt hit and I do remember saying I was glad it was over when I slowed down. (Then I had to do physical therapy? Silly preteen-Kendall, that’ll teach you to tempt fate bitch.) But did you have to make it so that people outright disbelieve me when I say I am not quite 22? Bitch move, pituitary gland. Bitch move.

Sincerely,

Someone-who-has-had-his-license-called-a-fake

Letter #2

Dear PB & J,

I know I shouldn’t eat you. I know that my stomach is going to rebel later. You, dear sir, are worth it.

Don’t change,

A-lifelong-fan

Letter #3

Dear bitch who nearly sideswiped me this morning,

I hope that text message was really worth it. I must say I appreciated it when you rolled your window down to call me an asshole. Mostly, I just enjoyed the look on your face when I told you to fuck yourself with a hairbrush.

Not-so-sincerely,

Someone-who-had-a-shit-day-starting-with-you

Letter #4

Dear Geocities,

You were glitched as hell, full of really really NSFW RPGs, and the most godawful sparkled backgrounds ever. However, you were one of the first experiences I had with the Internet and for that you will be looked on fondly.

Fare well,

Someone-who-remembers-Oregon-Trail-.gifs

Letter #5

Dear Twilight Saga,

In honor of the wonderful Mystery Science Theater I look forward to bringing my full snark against you yet again when New Moon hits theaters.

Up Yours,

A-not-so-speshul-snowflake

Letter #6

Dear Tekken 6,

You took your sweet time in getting here. You were my first fighting game ever and I can’t wait to see what you can do on the Xbox 360.

Awaiting your arrival tomorrow,

Someone-ready-to-kick-ass

Letter #7

Dear New York City,

I miss you all ready.

Love,

Someone-who-thinks-the-weekend-was-too-short

UPDATED – Letter #8

Dear Gmail,

Why in the blue grassy hell are you not letting me send off my blog swap post?

Sincerely,

He-who-is-confused.

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Categories: Uncategorized
  1. October 26, 2009 at 4:05 PM

    Church! A PB and J would be the shizz right now.

  2. October 27, 2009 at 6:35 PM

    Mmmm. PB and J…. Mmmm.

  3. tia
    October 28, 2009 at 3:20 PM

    hilarious.

    you know i’m always down for a good batch of letters. =)

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