Home > Uncategorized > If Only “Wax On, Wax Off” Worked On Self-Doubt

If Only “Wax On, Wax Off” Worked On Self-Doubt

If you asked the people who know me what my worst personality trait was, all but two or three would say my tendency to be lacking in the self-worth department. I admit that I do have a nagging tendency to see the worst in myself.

For a rather long time, I despised who I was. When it got to the point where I shattered a mirror with my fist, I pretty much passed the “dislike” point don’t you think? I barely slept for fear of nightmares. What I ate would find its way into the toilet which lead to me dropping from 215 to about 170 pounds. I am pretty sure I spent at least five months in a state of post-traumatic stress. And yet I hid a lot of it through jokes and a Stepford smile.

I became so singularly focused on trying to be better. To be more honest. To be kinder. To be the person that others thought I could be. In hindsight, I can see that it became an obsession of mine. And no matter how far I came it was never enough. I still saw myself as trash and it truly felt like that would never change. This was the main reason why I kept at Eva at a distance for half a year and one of the reasons why it freaked me out so badly when Daybreak started to see me as her dad.

Yet somewhere between March 2008 and now, I stopped trying to redeem myself as it were. I ignored my thoughts of inadequacy and just focused on rebuilding my life and looking out for the friends I made. Simply put, I was happy. And then me and Eva broke up and while yes, I did go through a period of anger/depression when I came out I was still largely the same person. Still too compassionate for my own good. Still ridiculously stubborn. Still too loyal to people who may not deserve it.

From the broken kid of 8 to the far too angry teenager at 16, I changed. I learned to trust. Learned loyalty. Learned to control my temper. Learned to have faith. Learned to forgive. Learned to smile and more importantly mean it. And somewhere along the way I learned to let the baggage go. To  live in the now without worrying about the past.

I grew up.

Now I can stand up and walk forward with my head held high and the knowledge that I will not break.

The freedom in that simple act is more precious that I can begin to describe.

This confidence thing is going to take some definite getting used to.

happiness

When have you needed to just be patient and let things happen?

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  1. November 3, 2009 at 2:38 PM

    Short, white twin here. I’m serious, mister, we are strikingly similar. I guess shared childhood experiences/traumas, and determination to survive have a lot to do with that.

    I always feel incredibly self conscious after spilling my guts. Who am I kidding? I feel incredibly self conscious most of the time. My point is, your struggle and triumph are such an inspiration, and you rock for putting it out there.

    Have you seen Wes Anderson’s Darjeeling Limited? The scene towards the end in which the brothers run to catch a train, and let their luggage go makes me cry. It’s beautiful. ^_^

    Tall black twin here, this comment just made me smile. “Putting it out there” was my motivation for starting this blog in the first place.

  2. November 3, 2009 at 4:16 PM

    All of me just wants to say “awwwwww.” Perhaps for lack of words, perhaps because there’s clearly a strength in you that few possess. I didn’t know you then, when life wasn’t so great and you struggled more, but I know you now and though there’s still much to learn about each other, of course, who you are is pretty awesome. Sometimes it takes the difficult stuff, the crappy dads and broken relationships, to make us who we eventually become. It’s unfortunate that those roads have to be taken, but the end result is more important some days.

    Glad to know I can still invoke speechlessness in people outside of TMI Thursdays, thought I might have been losing my touch. Through blogging, texts, and drunken phone calls at 4 AM we will continue to get to know each other. And like I told you, you are still the only blogger who has ever heard my voice. I try and imagine who I would be if my life hadn’t been a shitstorm at times. The thought is not pretty in the least.

  3. November 3, 2009 at 6:26 PM

    I’ve never done patient. Not once. Ever.

    It’s worked out for me so far…

    I’m probably not the best mentor.

    Yet you have a cult (and by cult, I mean large not crazy although most of the crowd is entertainingly crazy and I’m rambling so I’ll stop now) following so you must be doing something right. Your “Splits Into the Grown Up World” post for example.

  4. tia
    November 4, 2009 at 1:03 AM

    i’m bossy.

    and i get impatient when people don’t do what i think they should do. thus, marriage has been a huge patience tester for me.

    so far so good, though. =)

    I can be bossy, more on that one another day but it’s something I am working on.

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