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The Odd Duck Reviews Twilight Saga: New Moon

So for about 3 weeks after I saw it, I had been working on a review of the second entry into the Twilight Saga films, New Moon. Trying to, somehow, push aside my derision and hatred for this entire series and watch it with an open mind. Eventually I gave up as I realized that riffing on this series is like fighting a blind man. You just feel dirty for lowering yourself to that level.

No matter how utterly unholy and deserving of a beating they are

Then I remembered seeing the droves of fangirls in orgasmic glee over the fucking title screen for this train wreck and realized this shit has to be stopped. It is for the greater good, after all.

I could talk about how much of a black hole control freak prick  Edward is. How mind-numbingly codependent and vapid Bella is in regards to him everything. How much of a complete Black Hole Sue (character with no significant flaws and/or personality that draws all the attention and for whom other characters bend backwards to accommodate them) she is. How utterly idiotic Stephanie Meyer was to try and explain the “logic” behind her “vampires” with “science”.

But I’ll just stick to my original point (the plot of this movie) because even my masochism has limits. Considering I sat through movies like War of the Worlds, the Star Wars prequels, and Garfield to write reviews on them for school newspapers, that’s saying something.

So the movie starts out with a Moon that is slowly being eclipsed to reveal the title card, much to the fangirls’ rejoicing. Oh yeah, did I mention I saw this on opening night so I wouldn’t be forced to suffer alone? Yeah that didn’t help much. It then opens to Bella  mumbling off some nonsense about how “violent delights have violent ends” but some how “die like fire and powder” which I assume was supposed to sound deep but comes off as merely pretentious. I will give the movie credit here by giving us a slow-mo shot of Bella running through a crowd of Halloween rejects before suddenly appearing in a field of flowers.

I’d call “WTF” on the sudden teleporting from a crowded square to a forest/field but I admit that I was paying more attention to the interesting things Kristen Stewart’s chest does as she comes to a stop. Tengo culpa. She walks up a bit and the camera pans over to the other side of this place (we have no clue where the fuck this is) to see an old woman standing there looking confused (I feel you on that one, lady) who Bella confuses for her “Gran”. We are then treated to a musical cue and Edward appearing in all his byronic glory (my ears kind of died a bit here from the screams) and Bella immediately tells him to leave before her “gran” sees him sparkle like the pansy he is. Our intrepid couple and “gran” walk towards each other and shock of shocks, it dawns on Bella that her “gran” is really herself when she is an elderly woman.

This is her seriously worst fear, growing old while Edward continues to look like a teenager/young adult forever. Why does this seem vaguely familiar? Ah that’s right, because Joss Whedon all ready showed how doomed this type of relationship was from the start with Buffy and Angel. She then wakes up on the morning of her 18th birthday with a copy of Romeo & Juliet by her head. When she reads the story of one of the most unhealthy relationships in literature and then dreams of Edward, I have to bite my lip to keep from laughing at the irony of it all.

After a short exchange where her dad gives her some gifts and jokes about her having a grey hair, we jump to Bella driving in her truck down the road while the radio warns how there are missing hikers and a killer animal on the loose but Bella, genre savvy creature that she is, ignores this entirely. The next 5 minutes are seriously nothing but a scene with the muggle high schoolers and a scene with Edward that is 30 seconds of him walking while the wind blows his overshirt back. Gag. Said fanservice is followed by Jacob appearing to give Bella a dream catcher while Edward stands in the background like the overproctective hawk that he really is.

The following is what passes for an honest-to-God conversation between these two special folks.

Edward: “So how come Jacob Black gets to give you a gift and I don’t?”

Bella: “Because I have no idea what to get you.”

Edward: “You give me everything just by breathing.”

The Hell? OK, I am done taking pot shots at the “relationship” between these two because there is a plot here. Somewhere. Maybe.

OK their English class is watching Romeo & Juliet while Edward & Bella talk. They get busted by the teacher. Edward proves his sensitivity by reciting lines that he has to have heard dozens of times considering he repeats high school every few years.

Afterwards, we are introduced to The Volturi who are the vampire nobles that govern the rest. Their one law? That The Masquerade be maintained by keeping their hunting inconspicuous  with the punishment for breaking this rule being death by being literally ripped apart. Why is never really explained as humans are seriously like tissue paper to these people.

Whatever.

So the Cullens throw Bella what has to be the most monotonous (and shortest) birthday party in history when things go SNAFU as Bella’s super delicious blood is leaking from a paper cut and Jasper goes ape shit. Edward blocks his “cousin” while throwing his mortal girlfriend back into a wall. This was a BAD idea as every person in the room now looks at her like a happy-meal-on-legs because of the blood covering her arm. Jasper is strong armed out while Edward realizes that his family is indeed a pack of bloodthirsty supermen who could kill his girlfriend at any time. If only, if only.

Next we have this scene of Edward in Bella’s room looking at a picture of the two of them together and then taking her into the woods so they can have a talk. He tells that he and his family are living Forks for good as people are noticing how Carlsisle isn’t aging apparently. Bella is crushed as her sole reason for living is telling her in a roundabout way that he (like all vampires) is always tempted to suck her dry. He then disappears leaving her in the woods as that is more dramatic where she runs after them. Yeah apparently she forgot in her grief that he has super speed. She then collapses on the ground, weeping.

Brain Trauma: My Anti-Twilight

She is then rescued by a shirtless Sam  and brought to her father who has been frantic trying to find her. After that Bella basically becomes Emily Dickinson and mopes from September to December. This is intercut with scenes of her alienating herself from her human friends completely. Shrieking like she has been possessed in her sleep. All the while with a voiceover of how she is lost without the vampires (as she literally has no meaning without being the distressed damsel) and how the pain is good because it reminds her that Edward was real. To top of the clusterfuck of melodrama, we are treated to one of the most wangsty songs since before “How To Save A Life” was rescued from the heap by Scrubs throughtout this montage. Basically, she sounds like your average, depressed, misunderstood teenager.

Finally Charlie puts his foot down and tells her she is going to Jacksonville to live with her mother. She panics at this and makes up a bullshit excuse about going shopping with her friends to show she really is adjusting to vampire-free life. Charlie, the fucking idiot, buys it. Just when I had hopes for this movie too.

What follows is quite possibly the most painful moments in cinema I’ve seen in years. Bella, after having to remind her friend just who she is, goes to see a zombie movie. I may take pot shots at Bella for being vapid and more than a bit shallow but good Lord, I could almost feel the women’s lib movement being wiped out as I listening to her prattle on in valley-speak. Even BELLA looks like she wants to punch the girl in the face. Bella then tunes her out (thank God) as she sees a bunch of guys on bikes that remind of her of the assholes who tried to gangrape her that Edward rescued her from. Do You hate us so, God? Oh and thanks movie for perpetuating the ideas that all bikers = criminals. Sigh. She then sees Edward’s floating semi-transparent head (I am not making this up) telling her to keep walking.  So what does Bella do? She says “I think I know them” and decides to WALK OVER TO THE PEOPLE SHE THINKS TRIED TO RAPE HER. She then sees Ghost Edward again telling her to turn around. She ignores it and stares at the one of the guys like a psycho. Oh it’s not her attempted-rapist after all. LOL. Somebody, shoot me. Please. In an effort to prove her idiocy beyond all doubt she hops on the back of the mistaken-rapist-guy’s bike.

Why?

To spite Ghost Edward.

She then meets back up with Jessica who speaks for us all when she calls Bella out on her idiocy.

Bella’s conclusion from this experience? “If a rush of danger is what it takes to see him, then that’s what I’ll find.”

There are no words. None.

Moving on.

Then we are given a scene that is nothing but padding of Bella bringing some motorcycles to Jacob so she can go thrill seek which leads to two other boys from the Quileute Tribe, Quil and Embry, who rib Jacob for his obvious crush on Bella’s non-even conceived fetus pasty self. You, the viewer, and Bella slowly realize that she is starting to care for Jacob even if he can’t keep the demonic dreams away. I admit that while reading the books I did support a Jacob/Bella relationship around this point until Breaking Dawn which killed any sympathy I had left for him. The male werewolves are sick fucks and that’s all I’m going to say on that.

Bella and Jacob are then driving down the road by the sea when we see a bunch of guys push someone off a cliff. Bella pulls over thinking they’re dead when Jacob explains they’re just cliff diving which “is a total rush.” I was by no means the only person who smacked their  forehead on that one. Nice choice of words there, Idiot. What follows can only be described as a caustic tale in motorcycle safety with the moral: “Do not operate when having hallucinations of your vampire ex-boyfriend.” Pity, that’s not in the owner’s manual. Bella, of course, face plants. She apologizes for bleeding (battered person syndrome, anyone?) and he then takes off his shirt to mop up the cut on her forehead.

Bella proceeds to try and rejoin her old friends at lunch with the lovely ice breaker of how there are now 5 dead hikers whose killer her dad is trying to track down. Despite the fact that she clearly has no idea how to interact with these kids, they handwave her abnormality instead of shunning like most real teenagers would for ditching them. One kid, whose name I forget and who also has a crush on her, decides to ask her out to the movies now that she’s talking and eating again. Bella, caring person she is, accepts. Thus leading the poor guy on. You’ll notice a pattern of that here. She suggests going to see a movie called “Face Punch” (again, I am not making this up). Nameless-human-boy and Jacob somehow end up being the only two who show up at the theater trying (and failing) to insult each other. All the other muggle kids had other plans at the last minute.

With the way this movie has dragged on, I can’t fault them.

OK, I have to be at least at the halfway mark. 40 MINUTES?! I’ve sat here for what feels like for-fucking-ever and I’m not even an hour into this thing?! Absolute nothing happens! No. No. Nononono. Does not compute. DOES NOT COMPUTE! I can’t take any more of this bullshit movie! It was bad enough watching it once. Now watching it again to write the review? Fuck that noise. I’m done. You all can find someone else to do this goddamn review.

*flees*

To be continued?

*The first image belongs to Aaron McGruder while the second belongs to TV Tropes.

**I mean no disrespect to Emily Dickinson, she’s one of my favourite writers. But I won’t deny that the woman was a recluse.

***The “Does Not Compute” gag belongs to The Nostalgia Critic.

****I still can’t believe how long it takes this damn thing to get past all its padding and to the point.

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  1. December 14, 2009 at 12:32 PM

    Hilarious review! I haven’t seen it yet, but reading your review was entertainment enough!

  2. Tinkerbell
    December 14, 2009 at 3:49 PM

    I got a kick out of this. By the way, the nameless boy’s name is Mike. Why I know this, I just don’t know. I can tell your love for the movie just by reading this. Can’t wait to read the rest of it!

    -T!nk

  3. December 20, 2009 at 10:04 AM

    Given that this is basically all I know of the movie…

    Well done!

  4. December 21, 2009 at 12:53 PM

    Yeah, the whole Twilight thing gives me the creeps. It’s that whole, “You’re stalking me? How romantic!” thing. Ick.

    I got dragged to see the 1st movie, and my friends and I got hushed by a middle-aged man for laughing during some of the “romantic” moments. I plan to skip the rest, but I love reading your review.

  5. December 22, 2009 at 3:34 PM

    I am sure I will see the movie but not until it comes out on DVD.

  6. December 23, 2009 at 10:27 AM

    I have no comment.

    Ha. =P

  7. January 19, 2010 at 7:10 PM

    Hello~! I enjoyed reading about your twilight new moon reviews post!~ please do come visit me sometime as well~!
    Twilight4eva~**
    Xoxo
    Mandy.l

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