Home > Uncategorized > This? This Is My Heart. See How It Breaks.

This? This Is My Heart. See How It Breaks.

Sunday  evening, a few of you caught my outburst on Twitter, I apologize for that. For those curious, I am better now. Not a lot but I am no longer in danger of curling into a ball and sobbing or smashing something in anger.

Probably would have been both.

What could destroy every single shred of emotional stability I have like that, you ask?

If you have been reading this blog prior to last June or just read back through my archives, I make it pretty obvious that I adore children. We’re talking kid fever like woah. This is part of why I came to care for Daybreak as much and as fast as I did.  If I’m in the supermarket and there is a baby around, I will make silly faces at them without fail. My paternal instincts have been turned up to 11 and have been since I hit puberty.

And in that lies the irony that played a big part in my hating God for almost 6 years.

Because of some damage to my testes, I have a very low sperm count. (Very simplified explanation.) As a result? Sterility.

The guy who wants kids so much so that it hurts? Can’t have them.

While I had known for years that I would have trouble fathering a child, going to a doctor and finding out that it would actually be a damn near impossibility outside of in vitro or adoption for me to have kids…there were tears. I eventually accepted this fact (as much as you can accept something like that) and had decided that when I was fully ready I would just adopt. Have to admit thought that it was easier to hide when I was a teenager and only two or three people I knew were having kids as opposed to now where seven couples are expecting, one just had a baby girl last week, and two others are actively trying.

Every single time I see a baby, I kind of melt into a puddle of goo. And even though it does hurt, I still love to make them smile or laugh. Seeing those eyes light up and hearing a loud giggle as they kick around leaves me with a huge smile on my face.

I am OK with that.

Then this happened.

Said video was also accompanied by a message saying I needed to  learn to deal with the issue.

Seriously?!

You, as my friend, think you are doing me a favour by shoving that in my face? Bet you were surprised by how pissed I was at you during that phone conversation huh?

Would you send someone who had a permanent limp a video of a man running a marathon and tell them to deal with it?

No?

Then why the fuck would you send me something like that?!

I don’t get why taking a small moment to think before doing something is so hard for people. We aren’t that lazy, are we? It’s called compassion folks, practice a little.

The events of yesterday cost me a friend of 2 years. And as apparently I should be able to deal with this  (in her own words, “keep how it affected me to myself and deal with it as a man ” and that I should not be angry for her “doing her duty as my friend”) I was told that she would better off without me.

Feeling’s entirely mutual, bitch.

Not letting it show how much things affect me led to me almost putting a gun in my mouth. I’m never going back to that. I refuse to.

So I’m going to bandage the new bruises on my heart. I’m going to find my happy place. And I’m gonna move on with my life.

Last night was not in the least pleasant. So after I hung up the phone and was trying to bottle the emotions until I could control them, I decided not to. I let it out and then I tried to find something that made me happy. Just one thing.

There really was no contest there.

And with tears still falling, I danced.

Even when my heart was clattering against the floor, I still found it in me to smile. That, dear friends, is dealing with it. The best way I know how.

*Thanks to everyone who sent me good wishes and checked up on me last night. You all win at life. Seriously.

**Super oh-my-god-I-would-hug-you-if-I-could thanks go to BelleRenee who having never heard of me nor knowing what my situation was not only sent her own good thoughts to me and asked how she could help but did not hesitate (there was seriously like a 2 or 3 minute wait) to agree to give me permission to use her famous vlog for this post.

***Comments are open on this post. Please don’t make me regret that.

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  1. January 11, 2010 at 11:16 AM

    This is one of those things that you don’t know you need to read until you read it. Thanks so much for sharing. I feel like so often the entire conception process is so focused on the woman and her maternal urges that it’s often overlooked about the mans side of things. I’m so impressed by your honesty, and if (heaven forbid) the role was reversed with that woman, I guarantee she wouldn’t want someone to tell her to “just deal with it”. You did the right thing in my book.

    I freely admit that I am an exception, not the rule when it comes to child urges. This was mainly me needing to vent but thank you for stopping by hun. I generally do try and do the right thing. I fail a lot of the time but I do try.

  2. January 11, 2010 at 11:20 AM

    What. A. Total. Bitch. That karma she’s putting out there is gonna kick her ass someday.

    Big huge hugs to you, I cannot imagine how difficult it is to deal with such a painful reality. I hope you have REAL friends that can wrap their arms around you and offer their shoulders to cry on.

    After all this went down, me and my roommate had an improptu dance party in our kitchen so yes I do have kickass friends. Without whom I don’t know how I would get by in general, much less when it comes to things like this.

  3. Ari
    January 11, 2010 at 12:29 PM

    *HUGS*

    That is all.

    . . . and I teared up a little. . .

    *hugs back* Thank you hun. Sorry for making you teary-eyed.

  4. January 11, 2010 at 1:43 PM

    Seriously, I’ve heard of tough love bute surely thats verging on abuse! I’d love to see how she’d react if the situation were reversed and she was the one who couldn’t have children (I say I’d love to see it, but really I wouldn’t because I’m not like her!). Anyhoo, I hope when the time is right your dreams come true.

    According to her, it would be worse. Yes, I asked. Yes, I kinda shut down at her response. I try to still hope but it’s been dying a bit since I turned 20.

  5. January 11, 2010 at 1:44 PM

    Jenn said everything I wanted to say. I think that if the situation had been reversed, this “friend” of yours would perhaps think twice before telling you to “deal with it.”

    Please do not hesitate to let me know if you ever need to talk, scream, yell, rant… anything. I’ve been told I’m a pretty kick-ass listener.

    Hugs and love!

    Thanks Jeney, and I may take you up on that offer, but for now I am good and calm. Fingers crossed on staying that way.

  6. January 11, 2010 at 2:24 PM

    Honestly Man, I feel for you. Thanks for your openness and willingness to share. Much respect. x

    I do my best. Thank you.

  7. January 11, 2010 at 2:36 PM

    What an inconsiderate thing to say from a “friend”. It’s sad that these sort of situations are often how we find out who our real friends truly are. If you do adopt one day, you will change some lucky child’s life in the best way imaginable, and they yours. It’s not the same but it’s a pretty rewarding gift on it’s own. *hugs*

    Another of the resolutions for this year? Clearing away the toxic people, just getting started earlier than I thought I would. I hope so. I really truly do.

  8. January 11, 2010 at 4:15 PM

    Hey dear, firstly, I’m appalled at your so-called friend’s audacity to think it was good and PROPER to send you that message? Awful. Secondly, I am flattered beyond words that my little video cheered you up. The beautiful thing about the internet is that you’re never alone. And our little community will band together to pour love whenever you need it most. Sending you lots of love.

    It really really did cheer me up. Especially the second [dance break]. Love it. Thanks for letting me use it. And I’ve been learning just how much of a community this is over the past few hours. I’m a little overwhelmed right now.

  9. January 11, 2010 at 4:40 PM

    i’m so sorry you have to deal with this situation and i’m even more sorry that you “so called friend” had the audacity to send you something like that.

    this to shall pass, and begin to hurt less. you’ll be a dad someday one way or another.

    hug.

    As I went about my day today at work, it was all ready hurting less. Coming home to see comments and emails has lessened that even more. I’ve always known I would be a dad eventually, just had to accept it wouldn’t be the traditional way.

  10. January 11, 2010 at 4:47 PM

    However your child arrives into your arms, I can clearly see this it will be loved more than they ever thought possible and that you will make a great father someday.

    In the meantime, my heart goes out to you.

    That is one of my life goals so I would certainly hope so.

  11. January 11, 2010 at 4:54 PM

    Ok, I don’t cry like, EVER but I totally just did. First because that hurts my heart. (Also, what. a. fucking. bitch.) I don’t know if I ever want kids or not, but I think even I would be devastated to know I can’t have them, so I can only imagine the pain when you really, really DO want them. On the plus side, there are ways for you to have children. Just not the old fashioned way. You’ll be a dad, no doubt.

    The second time crying was just because I LOVE that vlog so much. I’ve watched it a million times and it never fails to cheer me up. Good choice.

    Having known this in general terms since I was 10, I’ve had plenty of time to process and learn to accept it. I fully intend to adopt.

    I first saw that vlog about a week or two ago and OHMYGOD! it made my life. It was also the start of my blog crush on Renee.

  12. January 11, 2010 at 5:42 PM

    Seriously your friend or ex friend was so out of line. Honestly reading that pissed me off. No one has the right to tell anyone how they should or should not deal with something. We all do so in out own way.

    I commend you for writing this post, I am sure it was not easy for you to do so, but you defiantly showed courage by doing so.

    And that video is so freaking adorable.

    It wasn’t easy at all but I feel better having done so. And like I told Renee when I asked if I could use it, it is the single most uplifting thing on the Internet I have ever seen.

    And how the Hell did I not know you had a new blog?!

  13. January 12, 2010 at 11:02 AM

    People are truly, truly unbelievable.

    I’m going to be in Raleigh on Saturday should you need any help with doling out a shanking.

    JUST SAYIN.

    (((bear hug)))

    I don’t want to shank her but thanks for the offer hun. And you’re going to be in Raleigh? As in 30 minutes away from my house? Seriously? So I believe a trip to the NC capital is in order. Oh yes.

  14. January 12, 2010 at 12:51 PM

    people suck. but, you have an amazing support system here on the internets and tons of people that adore you… me included.

    I may be blushing a bit. Maybe. I seriously want to hug each and every one of you. That and give you all high fives.

  15. January 12, 2010 at 4:42 PM

    people can be such, such dicks it just blows my mind. and for what it’s worth? I am so terribly sorry you have to go through this.

    They can be dicks but it’s nice to know there are many more people who aren’t.

  16. January 12, 2010 at 9:50 PM

    Some people have absolutely no compassion, understanding or, you know, A BRAIN! Sigh.

    My Dad was pretty much just a sperm donor. It doesn’t mean that much to me. If he loved me more than life itself? That would be something I was proud of.

    You will be an awesome dad, biological or no, and your children will be lucky, lucky kids.

    xoxo

  17. Amy
    January 12, 2010 at 11:19 PM

    seriously, a “friend” sent you a vid and told you to “deal with it”? wow is all I have to say.

    thanks for this perspective. like some mentioned above, this is something you don’t know you need to read until you’ve read it. and others who mentioned if this role were reversed.

    ((hugs))

    I’ve only recently started reading your blog (and Hi! I’m delurking here!), but I can already tell you would be the most amazing father ever.

  18. January 13, 2010 at 1:20 AM

    P.S. You have an award waiting for you over at my place. ^_^

  19. maegloth
    January 13, 2010 at 5:49 PM

    I had no idea that a person could be so horrible, and then think that she was doing you a favour! I really don’t understand people at all any more.

    Anyway, what she did was uncalled for and cruel, and it’s a good thing she is now no longer a part of your life. Nobody feels the way you do for the reasons you do except YOU, so don’t let anybody try to tell you that you should feel differently.

    You have to hurt before you heal, so you’re clearly on your way.

    I’m almost always online if you need to talk. *BIG HUGS*
    -Christie

  20. January 13, 2010 at 11:11 PM

    The sad truth is, sometimes we find that people we thought were our friends really aren’t. It sucks and it hurts, but it always amazes me how, coming off of that pain, amazing compassion follows.

    Reading this, all I can think of is how lucky the child/children you adopt will be. There are far too many children in the world who don’t have a loving home and it is easy to see that whoever you adopt will not only be loved, but loved fiercely and treasured.

    Though it causes you pain to be unable to have your own children, a part of me can’t help but appreciate the fact that through this pain someone you haven’t even met yet is going to have a better life because you will step in and do what their biological parents can’t.

    Side note: my mother was told she’d never have kids, my parents did fertility treatments, and when they didn’t work, my parents became foster parents. If I’d come along sooner, they wouldn’t have taken in a teenage foster daughter. As my mom told me once, my dad was the first man this girl knew who treated her with respect and didn’t take advantage of her. Now she’s happily married with a family of her own. Living with my parents changed her life, and if I’d have come along sooner, that wouldn’t have happened.

  21. January 13, 2010 at 11:13 PM

    I’m sorry friend. Sometimes it’s hard for me to hear of people like you, who will make excellent parents, yet cannot conceive. I work with kids with special needs. Many of these kids had parents who could not care less about them…and made bad choices that caused their disabilities. It’s a sad and unfair world. Chin up, my friend. You will be an amazing father some day and you will make a lucky woman very happy as the father of her child(ren).

  22. Tullulah
    January 14, 2010 at 3:04 AM

    Big hugs dude!!

    I am in the same situation almost, my tubes are not the “best” as the doctor put it, have been given a year to see how things go and then IVF or adoption!!

    I know the pain, it hurts and one by one all my friends are getting pregnant around me and I have to smile and say congrats!! Its not their fault but each time one tells my the knife twists!!

    I also had someone who was trying to lighten the situation who turned and said “and to think you are from a big fertile Irish family!!”

    Fate will turn our way one day :~)

    xxxxx

  23. January 14, 2010 at 3:23 PM

    One of my best friends is now trying IVF 4. There are no words to document how painful the experience is for her-not knowing if she will ever be able to have children of her own. I’ve held, and am holding her hand through this process, and I will just say, male or female-I know how much it hurts because I can see it in her eyes. I’m sending you the biggest hug.

    I don’t know why your “friend” would do something like that. Just know that you are very much loved-I’ve only known you for a short time and already I can see that you are a deeply caring, hilarious, wonderful dude who deserves the best, in everything.

  24. January 15, 2010 at 12:24 PM

    Oh man, now I feel HORRIBLE for not prying more to see what was wrong Sunday. And damn it, my stupid text messaging wasn’t working! I’m sorry I wasn’t there more. I should’ve been…

    Anyone who is your friend wouldn’t have done what your supposed “friend” did. I know this without question. Nobody in their right mind would want to cause even an ounce of pain to someone who probably daily suffers through something like this. You were right to remove that person from your life. I’m sure tons of amazing friends can easily fill that place in no time and show you the genuine concern, care and compassion a real friend would offer.

  25. January 22, 2010 at 1:30 PM

    I stumbled upon your blog from someone’s links and I love it. I may be reading it all the time now. I love that video it made me smile so good choice. About that so called friend? You know what? She’s a cunt. That wasn’t tough love or a way to help you deal with what happened… That was a stab to the heart and then a twist. How DARE she! I’m an overweight female, I’m losing weight but I have a looong way to go, and I am not sure because of the damage I have done to my body I’ll be able to have children in the future and that really makes me sad. If I ever find out that information for fact and someone sends me a video of them holding their newborn I will go psycho and smack a hoe. You’re amazing, caring, and sweet so you are definitely better off without her as a friend. I have done some pruning of friends in the past who do not love me for me or accept me as I am and it turns out I am definitely better off. So in summary; she’s a cunt. You’re awesome. And that video was boss.

  26. January 24, 2010 at 4:08 AM

    ah my friend, sorry i’m only reading this now.

    you are such an amazing in-the-computer-friend….so seriously-super amazing. it kinda breaks my heart a little that you’re so torn up about this.

    but what i want to tell you is that there’s ALWAYS hope. ALWAYS.

    Take it from the girl who had multiple surgeries on her ovaries/uterus and was told (by THREE different doctors) that there was no way I’d ever fall pregnant. No way I’d ever have a child.

    I’d made peace with it. Had moved on. Had decided to focus on myself and on my career.

    And then…..fell pregnant….

    There is no such thing as “can’t” and there is no such thing as “never”.

    So please. Please. don’t lose hope. xx

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