This? This Is My Heart. See How It Breaks.

Sunday  evening, a few of you caught my outburst on Twitter, I apologize for that. For those curious, I am better now. Not a lot but I am no longer in danger of curling into a ball and sobbing or smashing something in anger.

Probably would have been both.

What could destroy every single shred of emotional stability I have like that, you ask?

If you have been reading this blog prior to last June or just read back through my archives, I make it pretty obvious that I adore children. We’re talking kid fever like woah. This is part of why I came to care for Daybreak as much and as fast as I did.  If I’m in the supermarket and there is a baby around, I will make silly faces at them without fail. My paternal instincts have been turned up to 11 and have been since I hit puberty.

And in that lies the irony that played a big part in my hating God for almost 6 years.

Because of some damage to my testes, I have a very low sperm count. (Very simplified explanation.) As a result? Sterility.

The guy who wants kids so much so that it hurts? Can’t have them.

While I had known for years that I would have trouble fathering a child, going to a doctor and finding out that it would actually be a damn near impossibility outside of in vitro or adoption for me to have kids…there were tears. I eventually accepted this fact (as much as you can accept something like that) and had decided that when I was fully ready I would just adopt. Have to admit thought that it was easier to hide when I was a teenager and only two or three people I knew were having kids as opposed to now where seven couples are expecting, one just had a baby girl last week, and two others are actively trying.

Every single time I see a baby, I kind of melt into a puddle of goo. And even though it does hurt, I still love to make them smile or laugh. Seeing those eyes light up and hearing a loud giggle as they kick around leaves me with a huge smile on my face.

I am OK with that.

Then this happened.

Said video was also accompanied by a message saying I needed to  learn to deal with the issue.

Seriously?!

You, as my friend, think you are doing me a favour by shoving that in my face? Bet you were surprised by how pissed I was at you during that phone conversation huh?

Would you send someone who had a permanent limp a video of a man running a marathon and tell them to deal with it?

No?

Then why the fuck would you send me something like that?!

I don’t get why taking a small moment to think before doing something is so hard for people. We aren’t that lazy, are we? It’s called compassion folks, practice a little.

The events of yesterday cost me a friend of 2 years. And as apparently I should be able to deal with this  (in her own words, “keep how it affected me to myself and deal with it as a man ” and that I should not be angry for her “doing her duty as my friend”) I was told that she would better off without me.

Feeling’s entirely mutual, bitch.

Not letting it show how much things affect me led to me almost putting a gun in my mouth. I’m never going back to that. I refuse to.

So I’m going to bandage the new bruises on my heart. I’m going to find my happy place. And I’m gonna move on with my life.

Last night was not in the least pleasant. So after I hung up the phone and was trying to bottle the emotions until I could control them, I decided not to. I let it out and then I tried to find something that made me happy. Just one thing.

There really was no contest there.

And with tears still falling, I danced.

Even when my heart was clattering against the floor, I still found it in me to smile. That, dear friends, is dealing with it. The best way I know how.

*Thanks to everyone who sent me good wishes and checked up on me last night. You all win at life. Seriously.

**Super oh-my-god-I-would-hug-you-if-I-could thanks go to BelleRenee who having never heard of me nor knowing what my situation was not only sent her own good thoughts to me and asked how she could help but did not hesitate (there was seriously like a 2 or 3 minute wait) to agree to give me permission to use her famous vlog for this post.

***Comments are open on this post. Please don’t make me regret that.