This, my dear friend, is a wake up call. Or better yet, an intervention.
I know you’re broken. And I know you are cursing yourself for opening up and not listening to your head over your heart. I also know that you are thinking you’d have been better off without knowing Eva.
At the risk of sounding childish, “liar liar pants on fucking fire”.
You care too much about people to ever be aloof again. That time? It’s come and gone. Your days of actually being coldhearted? Over. That part of you is in the past, leave it there where it belongs.
I know you have all ready started the process of shutting people out. I’ll do you this favour and let you know that the people you’ve come to know are at once too stubborn and too protective to let you flag about all on your own. Even people you’ve never met in person have offered to help.
As for thinking you’d have been better off without Eva, and by extension Daybreak, you’re a dumbass. Did she hurt you? Incredibly. But in the end, you know now that you can make a relationship work. You also know that down the line, should you ever have a child you can do leagues better than your own father. That fear of turning out like him is a thing of the past.
It is OK to be angry. It is OK to be confused. Despite what you have trained yourself to believe, you do have the right to feel that way.
In spite of what you said during your rant to Tink, you do still believe in love. You are still an optimist at the core. Somewhere, buried beneath all the baggage and other trauma, is someone who believes that love is worth the risk and possible fallout. More importantly, that it doesn’t have to end in pain.
You still see the good in everyone. You still have the ability to forgive if someone is sincerely sorry. You are still a good man. You are still the same impulsive, headstrong, caring, and more than slightly quirky individual you were before all of this.
Don’t change that.
So stand up and walk forward with your head held high. People still think the world of you and I will be damned if you let them down.
You are stronger than this. Better.
You may have noticed that I have not written any serious posts in a while. It hasn’t been because I have nothing I want to talk about. I do, believe me, I have something that has been bursting inside me for a few weeks now. The problem? I had no idea how to go about addressing it. To quote the fantabulous LiLu, “I’d rather keep you smiling.”
But I think I need to get this out there somewhere, even if it is just in a protected post.
Since January, I’ve been distracted. I’m damn good at hiding it but I always have this anxiety building up in my chest. Hello panic attacks, I’ve missed you.
At first I thought it was because I was working 30-hour+ weeks while taking 16 credit hours, all while balancing my girlfriend, her daughter, my friends, and this blog. Despite the fact that I barely have time to breathe much less find time to exercise, read for fun, go to the movies,or sing I still do. Somehow.
But always there is the spectre of…something present.
And slowly, I figured out what that something was.
When in the first three months of 2009, SEVEN?! of my friends have gotten engaged (two to each other), all I could think was what was in the water and how could I avoid it. When one of said friends asked me to sing and play guitar at their wedding, I was honoured to say yes but in the back of my mind there was a crisis of epic proportions brewing.
The kicker? One day I stumble onto Jenny the Bloggess for the first time and what post should I read? Yep, the first ever blog marriage proposal.
Seriously Universe? Seriously?!
I thought things were getting ridiculous. Then people, both in real life and in the bloggy world, started asking me when I planned on proposing to Eva. When I say it won’t be anytime soon, some (in a move that never fails to escape my understanding) get angry with me. As if I have an expiration date on my relationship with this woman and only giving her a ring can save it. One person even had the cajones to tell me to grow up and do it all ready.
I can say with complete honesty that I love this woman more than I can ever fully express. Despite my attempts to dissuade her from liking me in the first place, she came to love me. To want me in her life.
Then you have Daybreak who I can now admit fairly freely that I see as my daughter. Said fact still boggles my mind if I stop to think about it. Even though neither is a new event by any means, I still sometimes get confused as to who she is talking to when she says “Papa” or “Daddy”, the latter having become increasingly common as of late. After Eva asked me to describe what I thought a dad should do for their daughter, I told her as she wrote down what I said. She then gave me instances of me doing each item on said list at least three times each.
However, I know I am not ready for marriage. Eva has admitted that she isn’t either. I’m barely 21 while she is still a few months shy of 22, we are both still in school (although she’s a grad student), and we still have about two months before our one year anniversary. As far as us living together, that’s less an issue of being ready and more that it would be a giant hassle for me to move in with her or getting a place of our own as she still more than a year on her lease. This is why when I move out of my apartment next month, I’m renting a house with Scarlett.
That last bit really put a bee in some bonnets (especially with my family). Here’s a newsflash for those of you (if any) thinking on how can I live with another girl while dating Eva. My answer? Ignoring both the fact that I am head over heels for Eva and that me and Scarlett act like siblings a great deal of the time, I kind of have the wrong plumbing for her romantic tastes. Therefore she is the perfect roommate. The fact that she is even more into video games than I am is just an added bonus.
While the day may come where I do go crazy propose, I can promise you that it is nowhere in the near future. I know the story usually goes dating to engagement to wedding to children and that I am breaking that unwritten law by (in my mind and heart) having a daughter all ready, I don’t particularly give a flying fuck.
I’ve never been one to do things the normal way, why should love be any different?
As we learn how to speak beyond one or two-word sentences, we are told by the adults around us that we should always be honest. It’s one of the first lessons a child learns and right from the start, we are also taught to bend it.
We learn to keep others at a distance, we learn to use phrases like “I’m fine” or “it’s OK” even when on the verge of breakdown.
We learn tact which I like to refer to as polite lying; for example, saying how much you love a Christmas sweater your grandmother gave you despite the fact that the sight of it makes bile rise up in your throat.
But the most numerous all are the lies we tell ourselves. We tell them to comfort ourselves or to try and glue the pieces of our lives back together. We tell them to make us feel better about ourselves. We tell them because, quite honestly, the truth freaking hurts.
It ostracizes people when they can’t handle hearing it.
It puts us out of our comfort zone and onto the guillotine.
The truth is really not what it’s cracked up to be.
This is why me and denial are such close friends, especially when it comes to feelings.
I had a conversation with Tinkerbell on Friday about denial, about how I was happy that she was finally letting herself admit she wanted a relationship with her beau Freckles. Then in our typical rhythm, the topic turned to my own denials. One of which I’ve kept up for the better part of a year.
After advising her not to deny what she wanted, I would be a hypocrite (one of my biggest peeves) if I did not do the same.
Denial #1 – “I am nothing like my father.”
I often keep people at arm’s length. Before I really tried to control it, I had an explosive temper. I can be blunt to the point of tactlessness. I use sarcasm far too heavily. I can have a “fuck the world” attitude from time to time. I am happiest outside. If someone starts a fight with me, I’ll be sure to finish it. The reason I don’t get drunk is because I’m afraid I’ll have his same problem with alcoholism. I look like him. I sound like him. My first name (not Kendall) is in honour of him. These facts bother me horribly. They probably always will.
Denial #2 – “I am confident about my teaching internship next year.”
It scares the piss out of me. Not even while I be responsible for the education of a group of children but this is on top of finishing my last year of undergrad and working as well. I’m all ready pretty sure I won’t be able to be a full-time UNC student between all of this which means I might not graduate until the summer or even Christmas. I’m going to be one tired man come Commencement.
Denial #3 – “I’m not ready to get a place with Eva.”
While yes we did talk about it at length, we decided not to just yet. She has some of her things at my apartment as do I at her townhouse. We have slept in the same bed on many occasions. While I want to say it’s because I’m afraid of taking that step, the truth is…I don’t want to have a live-in girlfriend I’m not engaged to. It’s the bits of my old-fashioned morals from my Nana rising up in me.
Denial #4 – “I may love her, but I don’t see Daybreak as my daughter.”
This one is so full of shit that I’m amazed I managed to believe even part of it for a moment, much less for months. I was always afraid to call her my daughter out loud. Afraid that because of Denial #1 I would be a horrible dad. So when I called her my daughter aloud where both Eva and Daybreak heard me, I thought I would have a panic attack. When Eva didn’t immediately jump in and correct me, she instead just smiled and said she had known that for months.
As Grey’s Anatomy has said, “denial really isn’t just a river in Egypt. It’s a freaking ocean.”
And I seem to be drowning.
So what are you deluding yourself about?
I have been asked by the fantabulous Chelsea over at Chelsea Talks Smack what my most embarrassing moment is. As The Bait is fond of saying, “life is just a series of one embarrassing moment to another.” For those of you with easily upset stomachs, you may want to stop now. And the ladies who wear even slightly low cut tops might stop after this.
If that last sentece doesn’t sound wrong, I don’t know what does.
But I digress.
For those of you who’ve been reading for a while, you know I have stomach issues. So last November, the stress of finals kind of had me looking like death warmed over. Since this post is all about TMI I’ll go ahead and tell you that I had not kept anything down for two days at the time of this story aside from water. Even that was touch and go at times. If that weren’t enough, I had started to come down with a rather nasty case of flu.
So Eva, bless her cotton socks, comes by one day to check on me as she hasn’t heard from me in a few days. She brings me some crackers to try and get food into my stomach and then sits with me on the bed for a bit after I had eaten what I could.
She leans down to kiss my forehead when I feel my stomach clench.
I try to tell her to hand me the wastebasket beside the bed but as soon as I open my mouth a stream of vomit comes out and finds a new home. Down my girlfriend’s tank top.
Hello moritfication, it’s me Kendall. Me and you got to be really good friends that day.
Eva stares down at her formerly white top, gives me the most exasperated look imaginable and then says, “I’ve used my boobs and bra as a cell phone holder and wallet. Hell, I’ve used them to get out of a ticket. This, this is a new one for me.”
The only thing that made this anything other than a complete disaster was the fact that she has several changes of clothes in my closet.
As she took out a new shirt and headed to take a shower all I could do was hide under my comforter and hope to high heaven that it was all a NyQuil-induced nightmare.
So what’s the most embarrassing thing you’ve done?
And hello 2009!
My New Year’s Eve was spent with Eva, Daybreak, and The Devil A. K. A. my puppy. We played Monopoly. Me against team of Eva and Daybreak. I still say there was some money being slipped out of the bank but I’m not bitter.
More like impressed that they weren’t caught.
You know the row between Jail/Just Visiting and Free Parking? Yeah that was death for me. By the end of the game, there was a hotel on New York Ave., Tennessee Ave., and St. James Place. To make matters worse, there were 3 houses on the purple properties whose names escape me at the moment.
Like I said, death.
I tried to fight back in other areas of the board but after landing on two hotels back-to-back and needing to mortgage one set of my houses, the game was pretty much over.
Then to add insult to injury, Daybreak takes a handful of their winnings, fans them out in her hands and gives her best attempt at a diabolical laugh. If you remember the classic nicktoon Rugrats, think Angelica’s.
After my humiliating defeat we watched Mrs. Doubtfire and then Mulan, during which Daybreak fell asleep curled up against Eva’s lap. After getting her ready for bed and then tucked in, we sat on the couch and sat talking for the last half hour of 2008.
When my clock struck 12, I put my hand on her cheek and kissed her. She put her arms around my neck and we stayed that way for a long minute, leaning our foreheads against each other after breaking apart.
Not a bad end to 2008. Not bad at all.
I know, I know. You must be wondering why I’m writing again when I just wrote that letter earlier in the week. Well since I just posted about appreciated things while you still have them I would feel remiss if I did not thank you.
Me and Eva have had several long talk and as of approx. 6 PM today, we are back together. I spent part of Christmas morning with her and Daybreak before heading to The Godmother’s and later on in the day at her mom’s who then insisted I stay for a while.
I found myself started to question if I was right during the summer. If needing people was only inviting trouble. But I would like to think I have felt all I have just to prove that my younger self was wrong. That I cannot make it through life without others. I would be lying through my teeth if I said I wasn’t miserable.
Now seeing as how Mami will be giving birth soon, I can only pray that you make it two for two.
Thanks for the comments, Fbook messages, and emails in response to my last post folks, you have no idea how much I appreciated them.
I spent the weekend and Monday in Delaware with my family for my grandmére’s
surprise birthday party. I saw my cousins and aunts who I normally see only once a year, I came down with a slight cold, I watched the Ravens whoop on the Cowboys, and I have a scar on my fingers from playing so much pool. All in all, it was a blast.
Yesterday was filled with doing my last round of Christmas shopping, playing with my puppy, and then meeting The Spawn at a bar in Raleigh where we spent the night hanging out with his friends, trying to get one of his friends a date, laughing at our incredibly intoxicated friend, and in general just goofing off. I had never been to this bar or any other, I’ve been to plenty of clubs sure but never to a bar. Must say that I enjoyed that experience.
I am supposed to be meeting Eva today as she asked me to come by sometime this evening. For what purpose exactly, I don’t know yet but I am trying not to have a panic attack thinking about the possible outcome. Fingers crossed, kids.
But now I need to head to the grocery store since I am cooking my friends breakfast this morning. Rachel Ray and Paula Dean really are my therapists. Hmm, wonder what they charge by the hour?
Last but not least, if you are in the Raleigh area tonight around 7 or 8 and you see a group of people wearing Santa hats then look sharp, because one of them is most likely myself.
A Merry Christmas to all, and to all a Good Night!