Posts Tagged ‘fbook’

When I Said “It’s Not You, It’s Me”? Yeah, I Lied.

April 20, 2009 11 comments

Dear Fbook,

It seems like so long ago that I bowed into peer pressure and joined you. We were awkward at first but then I started sending and receiving friend requests. I flirted through you. I kept track of news from my hometown. You connected me to the world outside of Gainesville.

By the time I was done with my first semester of college, I was a full member of your cult. I checked you about as much as a new mother checks her infant to be sure it is OK. For the longest time, you held my entire social calendar in your cleavage. These were the days where I was always up for a little motorboating.

But then I came back to NC and with that move, didn’t use you nearly as often. Our meetings went from multiple times daily to once a day to weekly then to monthly. The honeymoon phase of our relationship was over.

Quite honestly, there’s only so many times you can hear the “I have a headache” excuse before accepting the fact that the jig is up. So I pushed you to the side as an occasional fling but nothing more.

I still fooled around with you from time to time and for that I’m kind of sorry. Not emotionally involved enough for full-blown guilt. And while I’m being completely honest, I might as well go for the whole shabang. You see, there’s kind of another woman.

And by kind of I mean she doesn’t try to infect me with “applications”. Honey, if you’re going to give me diseases at least have the balls to call them Syph, Gono, and/or The Clap and be done with it. Please and thank you.

Nor does she have the people who I couldn’t stand back in high school friending me just to increase their friends list. Kendall don’t play that.


Is pretty much exactly how I feel for you these days. Don’t like it? Tough balls.

I know certain people will be disappointed that I’m no longer part of Zuckerberg’s orgy. But that’s OK. I’m sure they’ll get over it. And maybe, one day, they too may leave you high and dry. Maybe.

When I pressed the button to deactivate my account and saw you showed pictures of my friends in a desperation move to keep me? You only strengthened my resolve to free myself. When you asked was I sure about this, my only thought was “bitch please.”

I haven’t looked back.

Awaiting the day your server crashes,



25 Things About Me: The Holdout Post

February 3, 2009 7 comments

For those of you who are part of the ginormous Fbook family, you have more likely than not recently been caught in an insidious web. No, not penis enlargement ads. This isn’t AOL people. There are actually standards now.

No the web of addition I speak of is much more sinister for the fact that it is spread by your friends. Like a bad high school outbreak of the syph, I am talking about the ’25 Things About Me’ note-meme. I had been doing well in holding out, protecting myself from about 11 tags so far and taking refuge in the blogosphere where no one had asked me to do it.

Then Mindy has the go and ruin my happy place. -pout- So here for your reading pleasure are 25 random facts about me that you may or may not know.

  1. I hate cereal of ALL kinds. When I was a kid, I couldn’t even smell people eating the stuff without feeling my stomach protest this injustice. Sadly, this doesn’t stop me from craving a bowl of dry Cheerios every other blue moon. Usually to the amusement of whoever may be around.
  2. I also hate most rap today, 50 Cent and Lil Wayne especially. However, if you give me Run DMC, Notorious B. I. G., Public Enemy, NWA, or pretty much any Tupac then I will be very much pleased.
  3. Despite the fact that I teach Sunday School (something I did under protest), to most conservative Catholics I am not a very good one. This fact has lead me to strongly consider not working with the little kids any more because of the stink their parents are raising over it.
  4. It makes me sad when I hear people think the only reason I voted for Obama is because I am black or that the only reason someone voted for McCain is because he’s white.
  5. Growing up, one of my favourite shows was Boy Meets World. Hearing Mr. Feeny saying goodbye after the gang left is what originally made me really think about teaching and showed me exactly what kind of teacher I wanted to be. “Do good.” “Don’t you mean do well?” “No, I mean do good.”
  6. I have a very long fuse (some would say too long) however when it burns out, there’s no angry yelling. My eyes darken and my tone is very clipped.
  7. When I went to Italy at 16 and visited the local beach with my friends, they were shocked at how brazen the people were by laying out nude. They were even more shocked when I joined the beachgoers. Bodily modesty is kind of a foreign concept to me.
  8. When people hear me speak for the first time, they are often surprised. One, I am fairly soft-spoken and two, they seem shocked by a black guy with a southern accent. This leads to hilarity if people hear me try to say the word “breaths” as it sounds like something entirely different.
  9. If you look at my ratio of close friends, it’s seriously about 7:1 as I can count on one hand the number of close guy friends I have. That’s how a friend either forgot I have a penis or was in the room when she started talking about her period. When this was brought to her attention she looks at me and says, “it’s just Kendall.”
  10. Apple juice is my favourite drink in the world. Period.
  11. I have recently discovered an addiction to Grey’s Anatomy thanks to watching part of the first season with Eva. I recognized my addiction when after not being able to remember Mark Wahlberg’s name as I tried to talk about who was in the movie Freedom Writers to Scarlett, I resorted to calling him “McDreamy”. Words cannot express how wrong that felt.
  12. I am a very affectionate person normally. Alcohol just makes me more so.
  13. I have played Dungeons & Dragons on several occasions. If only because I have far too much fun acting like a drunken lecherous dwarf.
  14. I was involved in musical theatre all through high school, first as just spotlighting and then tech manager. My senior year, the lead male broke his leg the night of the second show. As I was the only one who knew the part I had to fill in. The play? Beauty and the Beast.
  15. I was practically raised in my Nana’s garden and I became very good at tending to flowers, vegetables not so much. I admit without shame that when the garden flooded a few months after she died, I cried.
  16. I am a big fan of country music, a fact that shocks many people. I tell them it’s because I actually sound good singing most of the songs. To illustrate this point, I’ve won 3 talent shows and placed in 5 others singing country songs. One of which was one I had written myself for Daybreak.
  17. Speaking of Daybreak, I am hardpressed to find a moment I was more proud of someone that when she told me it didn’t matter that she was a different colour than me. This was after I had to explain to her what the term ‘nigger lover’ meant after someone said it to refer to Eva.
  18. I do not like The Office or Friends. Pretty much indifferent to Seinfeld. I do however love Scrubs and Will & Grace.
  19. I can play Linus & Lucy on the piano. The best part about this is that pretty much anyone who hears and recognizes it will break out into the Peanuts dance style.
  20. I have  given up on having a relationship with my father and maternal grandmother. It’s not worth the stress anymore.
  21. I’ll do pretty much anything for my friends. A few months before the end of our senior year, one of my friends M asked if I would drive her to the nearest abortion clinic. While I disagreed with her decision, I did it because she was good as family. We got there and before I could even open my door she’s curled up against me crying and saying she couldn’t do it. Nine months later, I have my first godchild.
  22. I can snowboard, ski, surf, rollerblade, skateboard, dance to anything from reggaeton to meringue, and play guitar. Despite all this, whistling has me stumped.
  23. I have been told I am a very nonjudgemental person. Who told me this? A relatively new female friend. Said friend works as a stripper 5 nights a week to pay her tuition. After I found this out, she asked why I was still friends with her. I ask her if she cared that I was a cook/waiter. She asked why should she. Then two seconds later, she gets where I’m going and cue hug.
  24. I have read comic books most of my life, pretty much ever since I picked up an issue of Spider-Man years ago. When Captain America died,  I remember just staring at the page and thinking this couldn’t be real. Now on my walls is a  poster I drew of one of his quotes, that pretty much defines my view of patriotism: “Doesn’t matter what the press says. Doesn’t matter what the politicians or the mobs say. Doesn’t matter if the whole country decides that something wrong is something right. This nation was founded on one principle above all else: the requirement that we stand up for what we believe, no matter the odds or the consequences. When the mob and the press and the whole world tell you to move, your job is to plant yourself like a tree beside the river of truth, and tell the whole world – ‘No, you move.'”
  25. Most guys first get the sex talk from their dads, teacher, or older brother. Me, I had the two lesbians I see as my mothers describing techniques, tips, and safety. To this day, Mami will give me helpful hints. I just shake my head.
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