I have been asked by the fantabulous Chelsea over at Chelsea Talks Smack what my most embarrassing moment is. As The Bait is fond of saying, “life is just a series of one embarrassing moment to another.” For those of you with easily upset stomachs, you may want to stop now. And the ladies who wear even slightly low cut tops might stop after this.
If that last sentece doesn’t sound wrong, I don’t know what does.
But I digress.
For those of you who’ve been reading for a while, you know I have stomach issues. So last November, the stress of finals kind of had me looking like death warmed over. Since this post is all about TMI I’ll go ahead and tell you that I had not kept anything down for two days at the time of this story aside from water. Even that was touch and go at times. If that weren’t enough, I had started to come down with a rather nasty case of flu.
So Eva, bless her cotton socks, comes by one day to check on me as she hasn’t heard from me in a few days. She brings me some crackers to try and get food into my stomach and then sits with me on the bed for a bit after I had eaten what I could.
She leans down to kiss my forehead when I feel my stomach clench.
I try to tell her to hand me the wastebasket beside the bed but as soon as I open my mouth a stream of vomit comes out and finds a new home. Down my girlfriend’s tank top.
Hello moritfication, it’s me Kendall. Me and you got to be really good friends that day.
Eva stares down at her formerly white top, gives me the most exasperated look imaginable and then says, “I’ve used my boobs and bra as a cell phone holder and wallet. Hell, I’ve used them to get out of a ticket. This, this is a new one for me.”
The only thing that made this anything other than a complete disaster was the fact that she has several changes of clothes in my closet.
As she took out a new shirt and headed to take a shower all I could do was hide under my comforter and hope to high heaven that it was all a NyQuil-induced nightmare.
So what’s the most embarrassing thing you’ve done?
Me and my stomach have a long standing rivalry. So severe that it has been in a state of rebellion since Thanksgiving 2006. Quite honestly, there are days (like oh today for example) where just the thought of eating is enough to send me to the bathroom and emptying whatever I have in my stomach at the time.
It’s not purposeful.
I just have no appetite. Almost starting to forget what one felt like.
It scares my friends immensely. Tinkerbell admitted that she was terrified the next time she would see me would be my funeral. Before we started dating, Eva would convince (read: manipulate) me to come over for dinner under the excuse of her needing a study partner. The Bait and Pippi would drag me to lunch after Mass every week. And because I hate to make the people I love worry, I would make myself eat.
And more often than not, throw it all up later.
It is so strange to see old pictures of myself where I weighed about 250 to know when I weigh 190 when full of water. Scary part? This time last year I was 170 but I basically forced myself (with help) to eat and exercise enough that I gained back about 15 pounds of muscle.
The worst part of all this?
That although I know my friends only worry because they love me, sometimes they go about it in very wrong ways. When Eva and Imogen cornered me over the break and started in on me needed to eat more I tried to get away. When they wouldn’t let me without me pushing them (which they and I knew I wouldn’t do) I started to panic. Then Eva suggested they make me weigh in front of them.
I fucking lost it at that point. And while I did apologize later, I made sure they understood that I meant it when I basically said that them doing that made me feel like livestock. I also thanked them for caring about me. It was kind of tears all around from there.
So when people (mostly women) say they would like to trade stomachs with me, I make sure they know what they would be getting themselves into.
1. Cramping (I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve lain awake at night in tears because my stomach was cramping. Now consider the fact that I can dislocate my shoulder and pop it back with only a grimace.)
2. Complete loss of appetite (Say goodbye to any holiday meal. Haven’t had more than a few bites at a holiday since July 4, 2006.)
3. Acid (When you decide not to eat, your stomach AKA that treacherous bitch decides to punish you by letting you deal with that constant burning feeling in your stomach. The burning that gets worse when you feel bile rise up.)
So anyone still willing to trade?