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Posts Tagged ‘musings’

I Know Why She Sings: Musings On Porn And Arousal

June 17, 2010 1 comment

Let’s talk sex for a minute.

More specifically, let’s talk porn.

Porn is strange.

While some of it is utterly ridiculous (porn parodies) and some of it is utterly disgusting (rape fantasy and the vast majority of hentai spring immediately to mind), the majority of it is just…OK. Not great, not horrible, just OK. It’s there. The women are usually gorgeous in the surgical knife kind of way and it is often good for a few laughs and new ideas.

Attraction?

Well yeah.

Stimulation?

Not really.

100% of the time, my own imagination will make me hornier than whatever scene I happen to be watching. For example, back in high school (10th grade I think) a bunch of my football teammates were huddled around a laptop to watch some porn. All I really remember was that it involved cheerleaders but I digress. I hung about for a bit and spent the entire time wondering what the big fucking deal was.

I grew up around female nudity so a few pair of bare breasts are not going to affect me, especially not on a screen. Pictures, even moving ones, do nothing for me and haven’t since puberty hit me full-on. Remind me to tell you all the story of watching Titanic for the first time.

Doesn’t help that I was largely asexual until I was 17. Aren’t the after effects of sexual abuse and repressed trauma wonderful? Actually, come to think of it I am still not a very demonstrative person in public. No wonder there were so many rumours about me being in the closet. I may joke about switch-hitting for Alexander SkarsgĂ„rd and Adam Lambert but I can’t wrap my mind around kissing a guy much less having sex with one.

Sorry, I sometimes go off on a tangent.

As if you hadn’t noticed after nearly 2 years.

But I have noticed one thing in particular, in that I am very much auditorily stimulated. Pretty ambivalent on the question of “are you a legs/ass/boob man?” but damn if a throaty voice does not make me all hot and bothered. Add in an accent and you pretty much have a situation requiring me to say, “I’ll be in my bunk.”

So being the curious person I am, I decided to experiment a bit. I browsed the internet for some free porn that would not gangbang my Mac with viruses and then turned the screen away from me.

The results were intriguing to say the least. I found that without being able to see anything, I picked up every single moan, gasp, and sigh which my very overactive imagination used to fill in the blanks. Needless to say, I enjoyed myself immensely.

When the euphoria wore off a bit I was able to look at it somewhat rationally and could see how the experience easily fit with my normal sexual behaviour. I do admit to enjoying verbal foreplay along with listening to the various sounds my partner makes throughout as it enhances the experience.

Whether this is due to male ego or reciprocal pleasure as I know she is pleased or even some combination of the two remains to be seen. Taking my personality into play, my money is resting solely on the theory of reciprocal pleasure.

My own kinks aside, I can safely say I will enjoy further testing on the matter with the girlfriend should she be willing.

Betting on a resounding “yes” there but never hurts to ask.

So for those who don’t mind, what physical traits do you find attractive in others? A certain hair colour? Height preference? A particular region’s accent? Why or is it just something you can’t explain?

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One More Time

July 10, 2009 4 comments

I’m going home this evening. Woke up slightly before sunrise and spent the next two hours trying to talk myself out of it.

Should be some kind of sign that I failed in that task.

I have talked about my daddy issues several times on this blog. Once even writing a letter to him. After what seems like forever, the day I’ve known for at least 3 years was coming has arrived.

My dad is moving out.

I always thought that I was far enough removed that when the time came I could just be thankful that my mom didn’t have to deal with him. No more mood swings. No more childlike impulsive decisions. No more callousness in the guise of humour.

It’s not even that I’m sad or even angry any more. When it comes to the man who gave me my first name and who I resemble to a ridiculous extent; there is this sense of numbness,one born from years of practice. Of necessity.

When I sit and really think about it, I have spent a good portion of my life trying in every way possible to not be remotely similar to him. Wasn’t entirely successful and was probably never meant to be.

I intend to help him finish packing.

And I couldn’t seem to stop asking myself why.

Because of him, I know I can take pretty much anything from anyone without keeping my heart in ice.

Because of him, I know I can do what I need to.

Because of him, I know I can thrive on my own.

Because despite everything, despite the fact that he is nowhere near the ideal father, I can still be a good son.

And that, dear friends, seems to be the point of the whole thing.