There’s been a bit of talk around the blogosphere lately about how people don’t read blogs to hear about YOU. And of course, there is that old accusation of blogging cliques and how you have to develop a persona if you want to build any sort of friendships.
Folks, what you see here is what you get.
I try to be a nice person like most of us do.
The common mistake people make with that sentence is that they key in on the word nice and ignore everything else.
No dear friends, the key word there is try.
To give a bit of background, back when I was but a wee Kendall (ages 12-15) I didn’t give a fuck about anyone or anything. Guys wanted to start trouble? I’d say “let’s go.” I skived off more homework than I did even if I breezed through tests. It wasn’t so much that I ran with the wrong crowd as I pretty much told the world to piss off. It was also around this time that my mom realized I had issues, too bad it was kinda like water on the ashes from the bridge.
Obviously I grew out of that dark patch.
The kicker is that Bastard Kendall is still there, muffled but still there. He may have learned that loyalty is not a pipe dream. That empathy is not weakness. And that you can be a nice person.
I generally try and keep that part of me under lock and key. I like being the nice guy who tries to help everybody. Cynicism only leads to bad places and I’ve had enough of that for one lifetime. I like being the one who keeps others smiling with the off-the-wall things he says and does. I enjoy making people happy.
Doesn’t mean I will not tell someone where to get off.
I think it; I say it. That has always been my way.
The problem is that certain people apparently think that because I am so nice 99% of the time, they get the idea in their head that they can run roughshod all over me. In those times, I let the asshole out.
Basically I have three main modes.
1. ) If you’re my friend, you’re as good as family and there is almost nothing I won’t do for you. Need someone to cater your party but don’t have the cash? I’ve got you. Have editing you need? No problem. Flat tire? I’ll be out to you shortly.
2.) If I don’t know you, I’ll be friendly if a bit distant. You’ll get my normal snarkiness and a diluted form of my dirty humour.
3.) If I don’t like you, then expect apathy on my part unless you really need something. This whole guilt thing is still a bit too overwhelming at times I suppose.
Am I a good person? Yes. Am I a nice one? Eh, most of the time.
I am the guy who used to pop off at the wrong move and I am the one who goes gaga around any small child.
And I’ve learned to accept it.
If you asked the people who know me what my worst personality trait was, all but two or three would say my tendency to be lacking in the self-worth department. I admit that I do have a nagging tendency to see the worst in myself.
For a rather long time, I despised who I was. When it got to the point where I shattered a mirror with my fist, I pretty much passed the “dislike” point don’t you think? I barely slept for fear of nightmares. What I ate would find its way into the toilet which lead to me dropping from 215 to about 170 pounds. I am pretty sure I spent at least five months in a state of post-traumatic stress. And yet I hid a lot of it through jokes and a Stepford smile.
I became so singularly focused on trying to be better. To be more honest. To be kinder. To be the person that others thought I could be. In hindsight, I can see that it became an obsession of mine. And no matter how far I came it was never enough. I still saw myself as trash and it truly felt like that would never change. This was the main reason why I kept at Eva at a distance for half a year and one of the reasons why it freaked me out so badly when Daybreak started to see me as her dad.
Yet somewhere between March 2008 and now, I stopped trying to redeem myself as it were. I ignored my thoughts of inadequacy and just focused on rebuilding my life and looking out for the friends I made. Simply put, I was happy. And then me and Eva broke up and while yes, I did go through a period of anger/depression when I came out I was still largely the same person. Still too compassionate for my own good. Still ridiculously stubborn. Still too loyal to people who may not deserve it.
From the broken kid of 8 to the far too angry teenager at 16, I changed. I learned to trust. Learned loyalty. Learned to control my temper. Learned to have faith. Learned to forgive. Learned to smile and more importantly mean it. And somewhere along the way I learned to let the baggage go. To live in the now without worrying about the past.
I grew up.
Now I can stand up and walk forward with my head held high and the knowledge that I will not break.
The freedom in that simple act is more precious that I can begin to describe.
This confidence thing is going to take some definite getting used to.
When have you needed to just be patient and let things happen?