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The Odd Duck’s Top 20 Nostalgic TV Shows Part II

February 24, 2010 10 comments

Hello, my lovelies, and welcome to my Top 10 nostalgic TV shows. If you didn’t read Monday’s post, you can find it here. Before I go on, I need to say something. Some of you are going to disagree. Some of you may even disagree strongly.

Verily I say unto you: make your own damn lists. Pick your favourites. We’ll all get nostalgic together. Fun right?

But on with the show.

Also, there be spoilers ahead. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

10.

Now like many kids who don’t actually remember the 80’s, I did see reruns of Transformers G1 in the early 90’s. However, it was the Beast Wars series that got me hooked. Why would this rather controversial show make my top 10 list in its predecessor’s place you ask? While yes, BW had great action and dialogue that overflowed with heavy innuendo the real draw were its wonderful characters. If you ask the fictional death that I remember most, I’ll still tell you Dinobot. Anyone who dies quoting Shakespeare after beating up Megatron with a stone ax deserves nothing less than a suitably heroic death. Also this Megatron is such a glorious egomaniac. “Yesssss.” Now if only they had been able to use “The Touch”.

9.

If you know me at all, you knew this one was coming. I watched Power Ranger from the get-go and I think a good part of that had to do with how much I love the opening. Was it cheesy? Yes. Were the fight scenes ridiculous? Of course. Did the plot make sense? Most assuredly not. And we loved it all the more for these facts. I remember the revelation that Tommy was the evil Green Ranger, I remember Lord Zedd and Rita getting married, I remember the  movies, the toys (I may still have a Dragon Dagger and Falcon zord, I’ll never tell), but mostly I remember playing outside until this show came on when every kid on the block hightailed it back home. This show, in many ways, was my childhood and I will always remember it fondly because of that.

8.

Warner Bros. really brought their A-game when it came to their cartoons because this gem of a show is still cracking me up a decade and a half later. Animaniacs is quite possibly one of the most irreverent children’s cartoons I have ever seen in my life not named Looney Tunes. When told they needed to have a moral at the end of the show, the writers came up with the Wheel of Morality which were always a complete non sequitur. Filled with sexual innuendo, almost no fourth wall, and a completely insane cast it was probably one of the best cartoons ever made. Also educational as its the reason I know all 50 state capitals, the nations of the world, and the presidents in order. If you missed this one, definitely check it out on Youtube.

7.

I love Star Trek but this was the show that completely got me hooked on science fiction as a kid. Almost unknown to nonfans of today, Babylon 5 had some of the most epic storytelling I’ve ever seen outside of a film which is why I get tweaked when I realize just how underrated it is. And as much as I enjoyed Stargate SG-1 or Battlestar Galatica and worship the ground Joss Whedon walks on, neither BSG or Firefly top this. Stargate is a distant fourth here. Most frustratating of all, if you want to watch this one you need to own the DVDs and good luck finding them. Unless you know some shady bootleggers. Like I do.

6.

As big of an otaku as I am, there is no way in Hell I was not going to include my gateway anime on this list. Like many American kids growing up in the 90’s, this was the first anime (or its prequel, Dragonball) our generation ever saw where we knew what anime was unlike Speed Racer and Gatchaman (G-Force in the States) from the 70’s. Known for its rather…extended fight scenes, flashy moves, signature art style, and as a source of many Internet memes Dragonball Z is quite possibly one of the most successful anime imports of all time. Also notable for just how mature the unedited version was with panty shots, heavy cursing, perversion played for laughs, and of course violence. If you watched this show and ever have some spare time, check out TeamFourStar’s Dragonball Abrigded on Youtube which is piss-your-pants hilarious. You won’t regret it.

5.

Before LOST, this was the jigsaw puzzle plot show. Before Buffy was kicking ass. Before a town in the Deep South wet crazy over vampires. Before the Winchester brothers struggled with angels, demons, and serious codependency issues, there was The X-Files. With quite possibly the most convoluted plot I have ever seen and more UST than you can shake a stick at, this show most definitely left its mark on me as it was the first supernatural/alien themed show I saw in my life. Even a lot of concepts and catchphrases from this one entered mainstream use even today. Ever heard o the tinfoil hat? Or someone referred to a Mulder or Scully? “Trust No One”? This is where they originated. Although the less said about the movies, the happier I’ll be.

4.

I will go on record and say this is my favourite Disney show. The story of a clan of Scottish gargoyles who are betrayed and then frozen in stone sleep until 1000 years later when a loophole in the spell sees them awaken in (then)modern day Manhattan with all the culture shock that would entail. Then everyone from revenge-bent humans, manipulative businessmen, Oberon’s Children, and various other mythological creatures are pounding  at their door. Like most shows I enjoy, it was the well-rounded characters that kept me coming back for more. Just look up “Xanatos Gambit” and you’ll find out why the man is one of my favourite chracters of all time. Also have to give Gargoyles its props for handling gun safety and racism in the  most mature way I have ever seen unlike most cartoons which would just say they were bad. I’m looking at you Captain Planet. This show was also responsible for getting me interested in Shakespeare as a kid.

3.

My sick and twisted love affair with B-grade sci-fi and horror movies? Came from here. My habit of mocking any bad movie to make it more enjoyable? Came from here. My blog motto? Adjusted from the theme song. Mystery Science Theater 3000 was a show where the human host (I prefer Joel) and his robot companions, Crow and Tom Servo, would lampoon some of the worst science fiction movies of the 50’s and 60’s, especially the works of Ed Wood who is widely regarded as one of the worst directors in Hollywood history with Uwe Boll looking to be his successor. If you can find episodes, and good luck there, give it a try. Remember, it’s just a show.  You should really just relax.

2.

The greatest cartoon ever. Seriously. After the success of Tim Burton’s 1989 Batman, Warner Bros. greenlit an animated adaptation which was ever bit as dark as the film it came after. This was the one that introduced me to superheroes and probably why Batman is still my favourite. A fantastic cast (listen to the Joker laugh about mass homicide and domestic abuse then remember its the same man who a few years before said “I am a Jedi, like my father before me”), fantastic art and orchestral music, and quite possibly some of the most broken villains ever. Harley Quinn, Baby Doll, and Mr. Freeze (“Hearts of Ice” will break you) especially. Gritty, often funny, action-packed, suspenseful, and at times heartbreaking  this is the standard I hold all animated series up to. A special shout out goes to The Gray Ghost (voiced by Adam West himself) both of whom are given a heartwarming tribute from Batman in-story and the writers themselves. So my hat goes off to the Caped Crusader, who first introduced me to the world of comic book heroes.

1.

Considering how often phrases from this show slip into my blog posts and regular speech, this really shouldn’t surprise you. The show that put Joss Whedon on the map, Buffy is quite possibly my favourite show ever. Buffy took the  horror movie cliche of a girl getting butchered in an alley by some monster and turned it on its head by the eponymous girl hunting the monsters (mostly vampires) and kicking their ass. Why do I like this show so much? The characterization and the dialogue. You want to know where I got my sense of bantering humour from? Here you go. Helped that the actresses were pretty hot and that puberty was hitting me hard when I first started watching. A little TMI sure but still true. This was also the first show I ever bought the complete box set for and probably one of the most watched other than Seinfeld or Neon Genesis Evangelion.

Like it? Hate it? Want to tar and feather me?

Don’t worry, it’s a common reaction and one I’m long used to. And yes I do mean all three. I seem to have one of those personalities.

I enjoyed this and look forward to more lists in the future, maybe like top books or movies.

We’ll see what happens when it happens.

Happy trails kids.

The Odd Duck’s Top 20 Nostalgic Television Shows Part I

February 22, 2010 13 comments

Just like the boomers and X-ers before us, the early Generation Y crowd is getting older and as we do, we look at the new generation of kids and wonder just what the heck happened? To us, it seems like the Nineties were a golden age where Saturday morning cartoons were a way of life, you spent all day playing until the street lights came on, and where people seemed to be nicer in general.

Even though I was a month shy of 12 when 2000 hit (Oh Y2K, the amount of panic you caused was hilarious) it still feels like those days were another lifetime.

So after talking over nostalgia with my blog crush friend Jeney and during a rather awkward Gchat conversation (I fail at Gchat, seriously) came up with the idea of doing a little tribute to some of  the most amazing shows we grew up watching.

Originally, we were only going to do the top 10 but as I was making my list I realized that there was no way I could narrow it down.

To make the list, 1.) I had to have watched the show sometime between 1990 and 2000 2.)that the show produced new episodes and didn’t just show reruns 3.)I have to be able to watch it now and still find it enjoyable. Therefore shows like Will & Grace, Seinfeld, Dawson’s Creek, and Saved By The Bell didn’t make the cut despite how much I love them as I didn’t start watching them until my teen years.

That being said, here is a look back with Part I of my tribute to my favourite shows from the Nineties.

20.

And we kick the list off with Celebrity Deathmatch. This show, along with Beavis & Butthead and another further down the list, was one of the reasons I started watching MTV in the first place. Unbelievably violent, stuffed with pop culture references, and with a hilarious (and very loose) storyline. For those of you who missed this one, the show was structured much like an episode of (then) WWF Raw or Monday Night Nitro with several matches and interviews with the various contenders spread throughout. Most of the original episodes are on Youtube so if you want a quick laugh then you can’t really go wrong here.

19.

Rugrats was quite possibly one of the first shows I ever watched not named Sesame Street or The Price Is Right. This was the show that basically took the question of what babies/toddlers are like when no adults are around and ran all the way to the bank with it. So how did this show with an admittedly lame premise manage to become one of the most Nickoledeon shows ever? The memorable, well-written characters and dialogue that often snuck in more mature humor that would fly over any kid’s head. Also this show had some of the most honest holiday specials I have ever seen with a special nod going to their final Christmas special and the heartbreaking Mother’s Day episode.

18.

After the abortion known as Roundhouse, Nickoledeon decided to give sketch comedy one more try. And thankfully, they got it right this time. This was the first sketch comedy show I ever watched and remains one of  favourites 16 years later. All That could also have been called Saturday Night Live for teenagers, or at least the first six seasons could before the show started to target preteens and younger kids instead. It also introduced the world to Kenan Thompson, Kel Mitchell, Amanda Bynes, and Nick Cannon.

17.

The Adventures of Pete & Pete was a…special show. It followed the adventures of two brothers, Big Pete and Little Pete, and their interactions with the somewhat insane residents in their home town. But I, like most kids who watched, was far more interested in Little Pete’s fight against The Man (responsible adults) which was aided by his personal superhero Artie “For I am Artie — the strongest man…in the world!” and his other best friend Nona (played by a very young Michelle Trachtenberg). Also notable as one of the few old school Nick shows that had a  full DVD release in the new millenium.

16.

Reboot had a very simple premise, imagine your computer is a world unto itself with various programs existing as unique citizens each with their own quirks. Now imagine that there are certain programs whose main goal is to defend them from viruses and their worst enemy, you. Well more like your computer games. The first 3 seasons followed this format of various User games wreaking havoc until the final season which was pretty much Lost in (Cyber)Space. This was one especially notable for being the first entirely computer-animated TV series and for having such an open (and downer) ending.

15.

If you asked me and my sister what we would be doing most Saturday nights as kids, we’d tell you we were watching SNICK for All That and this next show Are You Afraid Of The Dark? The premise of this one was every week, a group of teenagers would go into a clearing in the woods to tell horror stories that often borrowed from fairy tales and famous short stories. It ran from 1992 until 2000 here in the states and as such is one of the shows I remember most vividly. This is also the show that inspired M. Night Shayamalan’s hit-movie The Sixth Sense in terms of its now-famous twist ending. Best of all, the compete series is available on Youtube.

14.

Ah, my first guilty pleasure show. Xena: Warrior Princess was a spin-off to Kevin Sorbo’s Hercules that became a cult hit. A story that revolved around fight scenes, Greek mythology, some slapstick, and more lesbian subtext than I have ever seen in my life? There was no downside here folks. It followed the story of a former warlord as she tried to atone for the people she slaughtered during her conqueror days alongside her sidekick/bard/best friend/partner/soul mate Gabrielle all the while going up against tyrants, monsters, Amazons, a psychotic rival, a ridiculously powerful hellspawn, Caesar, and eventually the Gods themselves.

13.

You know you were singing it, don’t even bother trying to deny it. This one may be one of the most well-known and well-loved Nineties shows of them all and it easily made my list at #13. Before he was saving the world on his time-off in Independence Day and after he was rapping about Summertime, Will Smith made his way into our homes and hearts as the smooth talking Philly kid living with his auntie and uncle in Bel Air. Both a coming-of-age story as well as comedy, I honestly do not know anyone who did not at least like this show. And as I consider anyone who didn’t as non-existent, I never will.

12.

At #12 on the countdown is my other favourite MTV series. Daria followed the observations of the classic deadpan snarker, Daria Morgendorffer, as she and her best friend Jane, as they comment on the exaggerated stereotypes that populate their town and in particular their high school. With witty dialogue, a well-written story arc, and quite possibly one of my favourite examples of sibling rivalry in Daria’s bratty, manipulative, smarter-than-she-acts sister Quinn, this show easily deserves its spot on the list and if not for the fact that it is almost impossible to find episodes now would probably make my top 10.

11.

And last on today’s list, we have The Wonder Years of my generation. Boy Meets World was about the life and times of Cory Matthews (Ben Savage, little brother of Fred Savage) along with his best friend Shaun,  his older screwball brother Eric, his nuisance-turned girlfriend-turned wife Topanga and the surprisingly adaptable teacher Mr. Feeny. This is where I was  introduced to the concept of bromance and the phrase, “she’s all grown up!” Notably, while the show was usually more comedy than drama it did handle issues like parental abandomnent/neglect, alcoholism, the troubles of being young newlyweds and the death of a parent exceptionally well. This show and specifically the characters of George Feeny and Johnathan Turner have had more impact on my life than any show ever as they are what made me want to be a teacher in the first place. Yeah, my career goal came from a 90’s sitcom. The finale episode is also one of the few times where even watching video of it years later will make me a sobbing wreck. “I love you all. Class dismissed.” -sniffle-

Come back around on Wednesday where I gab about my top 10 favourite shows from the Nineties.

Later, kids.


TMI Thursday: The Little Death. That Delicious Little Death.

January 14, 2010 13 comments

You know how this works by now, loves. Welcome to TMI Thursday: The Sex Toy Edition

Word of warning before we start, I’m going to be talking about masturbation in this post. A lot. So if that kind of talk makes you uncomfortable, then please go here and come back another day.

You’re still here Reader?

Good.

It’s going to be an interesting ride to say the least.

My thought upon seeing the Pocket Gal was: “This isn’t going to cover me.”

But I figure I should give at least a little credence to one-size-fits-all and put it away. Not going to use it when I’m not horny. It’s like eating when you’re not hungry. No fun.

So come Tuesday, I was feeling The Itch.

Figuring I had about two hours before Scarlett got home from work, I decided to take my toy out for a spin.

Gotta admit though, I felt horribly weird at first.Then I got into it.

Having gone cold turkey for a while, my orgasm was more intense than normal. Had it not been for that I wouldn’t have gotten nearly as much use out of this thing. And when I say more intense, I mean my legs were like jelly and I had that glorious little high of post-orgasm happiness.

I tried it again last night for the purposes of my review and well, my opinion of it kind of lowered a bit.

Because I like to end things on a good note (TWSS), let’s start with the negative side of this sitch.

  1. The toy is short. We’re talking 4″ inches here. Unless you’re below-average length, there’ll be no going balls deep on this one. It is good for stimulating the tip of the penis and the ribbed texture does feel good but unless you’re going through a serious dry spell there is nothing spectacular on this front.
  2. The big problem I have here though? Cleaning. The end is open so you will have to clean up the mess afterwards. Plus this thing isn’t pure silicon so you can’t really sterilize it. Using a condom here is definitely recommended as that simplifies things greatly. Also would not recommend using this to practice oral skills on for this reason and the fact that it does not feel good to the tongue. At all. Don’t ask.

So on to the good side of things now.

  1. The material is transluscent so you can see yourself moving in and out. For those who are very visually stimulated, I can see this as a turn-on.
  2. This thing is superbly portable. I’ve checked and it fits into the pocket of jeans, coats, backpacks, or in luggage for those solo trips.
  3. Training. Guys and women who are thinking about getting this for their FWB/boyfriend/husband, remember how I said that this toy was short and good at stimulating the tip of your penis? This toy does work as a good, if not great, trainer as it is easier to control ejaculation with just the tip. What does this mean? More lasting power. Something I can’t imagine anyone would really complain about.

My final thoughts?

For my first toy, it is a decent go. It’s very affordable at a bit over $20 plus shipping. Works as a tool for orgasm training, if not oral. A bit on the short side, which was a negative for me, but I suppose it being termed the Pocket Gal is an apt description. All in all, it seems to be so OK it’s decent. Not too bad, not too good. Just average. Honestly, I suggest saving up for some of the better ones. The Fleshlight looks promising.

All in all, I give this one…

3 Katies Out of 5

‘Til next time loves…

*Seriously. This was a lot of fun to write.

**I seriously want to hug everyone who commented on Monday’s post. You people rock my socks.

***The “I’ll Be In My Bunk” image belongs to beefranck and is inspired by a line in Firefly. You can guess the meaning.


The Odd Duck Reviews Twilight Saga: New Moon

December 14, 2009 7 comments

So for about 3 weeks after I saw it, I had been working on a review of the second entry into the Twilight Saga films, New Moon. Trying to, somehow, push aside my derision and hatred for this entire series and watch it with an open mind. Eventually I gave up as I realized that riffing on this series is like fighting a blind man. You just feel dirty for lowering yourself to that level.

No matter how utterly unholy and deserving of a beating they are

Then I remembered seeing the droves of fangirls in orgasmic glee over the fucking title screen for this train wreck and realized this shit has to be stopped. It is for the greater good, after all.

I could talk about how much of a black hole control freak prick  Edward is. How mind-numbingly codependent and vapid Bella is in regards to him everything. How much of a complete Black Hole Sue (character with no significant flaws and/or personality that draws all the attention and for whom other characters bend backwards to accommodate them) she is. How utterly idiotic Stephanie Meyer was to try and explain the “logic” behind her “vampires” with “science”.

But I’ll just stick to my original point (the plot of this movie) because even my masochism has limits. Considering I sat through movies like War of the Worlds, the Star Wars prequels, and Garfield to write reviews on them for school newspapers, that’s saying something.

So the movie starts out with a Moon that is slowly being eclipsed to reveal the title card, much to the fangirls’ rejoicing. Oh yeah, did I mention I saw this on opening night so I wouldn’t be forced to suffer alone? Yeah that didn’t help much. It then opens to Bella  mumbling off some nonsense about how “violent delights have violent ends” but some how “die like fire and powder” which I assume was supposed to sound deep but comes off as merely pretentious. I will give the movie credit here by giving us a slow-mo shot of Bella running through a crowd of Halloween rejects before suddenly appearing in a field of flowers.

I’d call “WTF” on the sudden teleporting from a crowded square to a forest/field but I admit that I was paying more attention to the interesting things Kristen Stewart’s chest does as she comes to a stop. Tengo culpa. She walks up a bit and the camera pans over to the other side of this place (we have no clue where the fuck this is) to see an old woman standing there looking confused (I feel you on that one, lady) who Bella confuses for her “Gran”. We are then treated to a musical cue and Edward appearing in all his byronic glory (my ears kind of died a bit here from the screams) and Bella immediately tells him to leave before her “gran” sees him sparkle like the pansy he is. Our intrepid couple and “gran” walk towards each other and shock of shocks, it dawns on Bella that her “gran” is really herself when she is an elderly woman.

This is her seriously worst fear, growing old while Edward continues to look like a teenager/young adult forever. Why does this seem vaguely familiar? Ah that’s right, because Joss Whedon all ready showed how doomed this type of relationship was from the start with Buffy and Angel. She then wakes up on the morning of her 18th birthday with a copy of Romeo & Juliet by her head. When she reads the story of one of the most unhealthy relationships in literature and then dreams of Edward, I have to bite my lip to keep from laughing at the irony of it all.

After a short exchange where her dad gives her some gifts and jokes about her having a grey hair, we jump to Bella driving in her truck down the road while the radio warns how there are missing hikers and a killer animal on the loose but Bella, genre savvy creature that she is, ignores this entirely. The next 5 minutes are seriously nothing but a scene with the muggle high schoolers and a scene with Edward that is 30 seconds of him walking while the wind blows his overshirt back. Gag. Said fanservice is followed by Jacob appearing to give Bella a dream catcher while Edward stands in the background like the overproctective hawk that he really is.

The following is what passes for an honest-to-God conversation between these two special folks.

Edward: “So how come Jacob Black gets to give you a gift and I don’t?”

Bella: “Because I have no idea what to get you.”

Edward: “You give me everything just by breathing.”

The Hell? OK, I am done taking pot shots at the “relationship” between these two because there is a plot here. Somewhere. Maybe.

OK their English class is watching Romeo & Juliet while Edward & Bella talk. They get busted by the teacher. Edward proves his sensitivity by reciting lines that he has to have heard dozens of times considering he repeats high school every few years.

Afterwards, we are introduced to The Volturi who are the vampire nobles that govern the rest. Their one law? That The Masquerade be maintained by keeping their hunting inconspicuous  with the punishment for breaking this rule being death by being literally ripped apart. Why is never really explained as humans are seriously like tissue paper to these people.

Whatever.

So the Cullens throw Bella what has to be the most monotonous (and shortest) birthday party in history when things go SNAFU as Bella’s super delicious blood is leaking from a paper cut and Jasper goes ape shit. Edward blocks his “cousin” while throwing his mortal girlfriend back into a wall. This was a BAD idea as every person in the room now looks at her like a happy-meal-on-legs because of the blood covering her arm. Jasper is strong armed out while Edward realizes that his family is indeed a pack of bloodthirsty supermen who could kill his girlfriend at any time. If only, if only.

Next we have this scene of Edward in Bella’s room looking at a picture of the two of them together and then taking her into the woods so they can have a talk. He tells that he and his family are living Forks for good as people are noticing how Carlsisle isn’t aging apparently. Bella is crushed as her sole reason for living is telling her in a roundabout way that he (like all vampires) is always tempted to suck her dry. He then disappears leaving her in the woods as that is more dramatic where she runs after them. Yeah apparently she forgot in her grief that he has super speed. She then collapses on the ground, weeping.

Brain Trauma: My Anti-Twilight

She is then rescued by a shirtless Sam  and brought to her father who has been frantic trying to find her. After that Bella basically becomes Emily Dickinson and mopes from September to December. This is intercut with scenes of her alienating herself from her human friends completely. Shrieking like she has been possessed in her sleep. All the while with a voiceover of how she is lost without the vampires (as she literally has no meaning without being the distressed damsel) and how the pain is good because it reminds her that Edward was real. To top of the clusterfuck of melodrama, we are treated to one of the most wangsty songs since before “How To Save A Life” was rescued from the heap by Scrubs throughtout this montage. Basically, she sounds like your average, depressed, misunderstood teenager.

Finally Charlie puts his foot down and tells her she is going to Jacksonville to live with her mother. She panics at this and makes up a bullshit excuse about going shopping with her friends to show she really is adjusting to vampire-free life. Charlie, the fucking idiot, buys it. Just when I had hopes for this movie too.

What follows is quite possibly the most painful moments in cinema I’ve seen in years. Bella, after having to remind her friend just who she is, goes to see a zombie movie. I may take pot shots at Bella for being vapid and more than a bit shallow but good Lord, I could almost feel the women’s lib movement being wiped out as I listening to her prattle on in valley-speak. Even BELLA looks like she wants to punch the girl in the face. Bella then tunes her out (thank God) as she sees a bunch of guys on bikes that remind of her of the assholes who tried to gangrape her that Edward rescued her from. Do You hate us so, God? Oh and thanks movie for perpetuating the ideas that all bikers = criminals. Sigh. She then sees Edward’s floating semi-transparent head (I am not making this up) telling her to keep walking.  So what does Bella do? She says “I think I know them” and decides to WALK OVER TO THE PEOPLE SHE THINKS TRIED TO RAPE HER. She then sees Ghost Edward again telling her to turn around. She ignores it and stares at the one of the guys like a psycho. Oh it’s not her attempted-rapist after all. LOL. Somebody, shoot me. Please. In an effort to prove her idiocy beyond all doubt she hops on the back of the mistaken-rapist-guy’s bike.

Why?

To spite Ghost Edward.

She then meets back up with Jessica who speaks for us all when she calls Bella out on her idiocy.

Bella’s conclusion from this experience? “If a rush of danger is what it takes to see him, then that’s what I’ll find.”

There are no words. None.

Moving on.

Then we are given a scene that is nothing but padding of Bella bringing some motorcycles to Jacob so she can go thrill seek which leads to two other boys from the Quileute Tribe, Quil and Embry, who rib Jacob for his obvious crush on Bella’s non-even conceived fetus pasty self. You, the viewer, and Bella slowly realize that she is starting to care for Jacob even if he can’t keep the demonic dreams away. I admit that while reading the books I did support a Jacob/Bella relationship around this point until Breaking Dawn which killed any sympathy I had left for him. The male werewolves are sick fucks and that’s all I’m going to say on that.

Bella and Jacob are then driving down the road by the sea when we see a bunch of guys push someone off a cliff. Bella pulls over thinking they’re dead when Jacob explains they’re just cliff diving which “is a total rush.” I was by no means the only person who smacked their  forehead on that one. Nice choice of words there, Idiot. What follows can only be described as a caustic tale in motorcycle safety with the moral: “Do not operate when having hallucinations of your vampire ex-boyfriend.” Pity, that’s not in the owner’s manual. Bella, of course, face plants. She apologizes for bleeding (battered person syndrome, anyone?) and he then takes off his shirt to mop up the cut on her forehead.

Bella proceeds to try and rejoin her old friends at lunch with the lovely ice breaker of how there are now 5 dead hikers whose killer her dad is trying to track down. Despite the fact that she clearly has no idea how to interact with these kids, they handwave her abnormality instead of shunning like most real teenagers would for ditching them. One kid, whose name I forget and who also has a crush on her, decides to ask her out to the movies now that she’s talking and eating again. Bella, caring person she is, accepts. Thus leading the poor guy on. You’ll notice a pattern of that here. She suggests going to see a movie called “Face Punch” (again, I am not making this up). Nameless-human-boy and Jacob somehow end up being the only two who show up at the theater trying (and failing) to insult each other. All the other muggle kids had other plans at the last minute.

With the way this movie has dragged on, I can’t fault them.

OK, I have to be at least at the halfway mark. 40 MINUTES?! I’ve sat here for what feels like for-fucking-ever and I’m not even an hour into this thing?! Absolute nothing happens! No. No. Nononono. Does not compute. DOES NOT COMPUTE! I can’t take any more of this bullshit movie! It was bad enough watching it once. Now watching it again to write the review? Fuck that noise. I’m done. You all can find someone else to do this goddamn review.

*flees*

To be continued?

*The first image belongs to Aaron McGruder while the second belongs to TV Tropes.

**I mean no disrespect to Emily Dickinson, she’s one of my favourite writers. But I won’t deny that the woman was a recluse.

***The “Does Not Compute” gag belongs to The Nostalgia Critic.

****I still can’t believe how long it takes this damn thing to get past all its padding and to the point.