“Greeting loved ones, let’s take a journey…”
Happy Monday morning (oxymoron I know) and welcome to the Confessions.
Let’s talk about music for a second.
In specific, let’s talk about Katy Perry.
I think I first heard of this popster way back in 2008 when I heard “I Kissed A Girl”. I thought it was catchy but didn’t give it much thought after that. Basically, I considered Katy Perry a smalltime pop star that would disappear shortly.
Boy did I misread that one.
Then I heard “Hot N Cold”. Downloaded it. Listened to it. Sung it when I was alone.
Same thing when I heard “Waking Up In Vegas.”
Then we had songs like “Firework”, “Teenage Dream”, and “California Girls”.
I…I can’t explain it folks.
It’s not like she is that great of a singer, her voice warbles a bit on higher notes, nor do many of her songs make complete sense and yet…
I love them.
I love every single one of them.
And I can’t begin to explain why.
It’s like she has found the perfect mix of pop music, that nirvana of catchiness that has helped us remember songs from the 80’s and 90’s like they just debuted yesterday. Those lyrics are skullfucked into your mind.
“Oh I don’t like any of her songs,” you’ll say.
(5 Minutes Later)
“I know a place/ where the grass is really greener. Warm, wet, and wild/ There must be something in the water. SHIT!”
Or is that just me?
I sing along when your songs come on the radio, I get a warm fuzzy whenever Glee covers you, and I recently bought tickets for me and my fiancée to one of your concerts.
So I give up OK?
You win Katy Perry. You win.
You see that? The woman shoots fireworks out of her chest and makes other people do the same? Her awesome is contagious and volatile.
(OK yeah, the fireworks are metaphorical but dammit if it doesn’t look cool.)
Hello Internets. My name is Kendall and I am a Katy Perry fan.
I no longer feel any shame in this.
So for about 3 weeks after I saw it, I had been working on a review of the second entry into the Twilight Saga films, New Moon. Trying to, somehow, push aside my derision and hatred for this entire series and watch it with an open mind. Eventually I gave up as I realized that riffing on this series is like fighting a blind man. You just feel dirty for lowering yourself to that level.
Then I remembered seeing the droves of fangirls in orgasmic glee over the fucking title screen for this train wreck and realized this shit has to be stopped. It is for the greater good, after all.
I could talk about how much of a black hole control freak prick Edward is. How mind-numbingly codependent and vapid Bella is in regards to him everything. How much of a complete Black Hole Sue (character with no significant flaws and/or personality that draws all the attention and for whom other characters bend backwards to accommodate them) she is. How utterly idiotic Stephanie Meyer was to try and explain the “logic” behind her “vampires” with “science”.
But I’ll just stick to my original point (the plot of this movie) because even my masochism has limits. Considering I sat through movies like War of the Worlds, the Star Wars prequels, and Garfield to write reviews on them for school newspapers, that’s saying something.
So the movie starts out with a Moon that is slowly being eclipsed to reveal the title card, much to the fangirls’ rejoicing. Oh yeah, did I mention I saw this on opening night so I wouldn’t be forced to suffer alone? Yeah that didn’t help much. It then opens to Bella mumbling off some nonsense about how “violent delights have violent ends” but some how “die like fire and powder” which I assume was supposed to sound deep but comes off as merely pretentious. I will give the movie credit here by giving us a slow-mo shot of Bella running through a crowd of Halloween rejects before suddenly appearing in a field of flowers.
I’d call “WTF” on the sudden teleporting from a crowded square to a forest/field but I admit that I was paying more attention to the interesting things Kristen Stewart’s chest does as she comes to a stop. Tengo culpa. She walks up a bit and the camera pans over to the other side of this place (we have no clue where the fuck this is) to see an old woman standing there looking confused (I feel you on that one, lady) who Bella confuses for her “Gran”. We are then treated to a musical cue and Edward appearing in all his byronic glory (my ears kind of died a bit here from the screams) and Bella immediately tells him to leave before her “gran” sees him sparkle like the pansy he is. Our intrepid couple and “gran” walk towards each other and shock of shocks, it dawns on Bella that her “gran” is really herself when she is an elderly woman.
This is her seriously worst fear, growing old while Edward continues to look like a teenager/young adult forever. Why does this seem vaguely familiar? Ah that’s right, because Joss Whedon all ready showed how doomed this type of relationship was from the start with Buffy and Angel. She then wakes up on the morning of her 18th birthday with a copy of Romeo & Juliet by her head. When she reads the story of one of the most unhealthy relationships in literature and then dreams of Edward, I have to bite my lip to keep from laughing at the irony of it all.
After a short exchange where her dad gives her some gifts and jokes about her having a grey hair, we jump to Bella driving in her truck down the road while the radio warns how there are missing hikers and a killer animal on the loose but Bella, genre savvy creature that she is, ignores this entirely. The next 5 minutes are seriously nothing but a scene with the muggle high schoolers and a scene with Edward that is 30 seconds of him walking while the wind blows his overshirt back. Gag. Said fanservice is followed by Jacob appearing to give Bella a dream catcher while Edward stands in the background like the overproctective hawk that he really is.
The following is what passes for an honest-to-God conversation between these two special folks.
Edward: “So how come Jacob Black gets to give you a gift and I don’t?”
Bella: “Because I have no idea what to get you.”
Edward: “You give me everything just by breathing.”
The Hell? OK, I am done taking pot shots at the “relationship” between these two because there is a plot here. Somewhere. Maybe.
OK their English class is watching Romeo & Juliet while Edward & Bella talk. They get busted by the teacher. Edward proves his sensitivity by reciting lines that he has to have heard dozens of times considering he repeats high school every few years.
Afterwards, we are introduced to The Volturi who are the vampire nobles that govern the rest. Their one law? That The Masquerade be maintained by keeping their hunting inconspicuous with the punishment for breaking this rule being death by being literally ripped apart. Why is never really explained as humans are seriously like tissue paper to these people.
So the Cullens throw Bella what has to be the most monotonous (and shortest) birthday party in history when things go SNAFU as Bella’s super delicious blood is leaking from a paper cut and Jasper goes ape shit. Edward blocks his “cousin” while throwing his mortal girlfriend back into a wall. This was a BAD idea as every person in the room now looks at her like a happy-meal-on-legs because of the blood covering her arm. Jasper is strong armed out while Edward realizes that his family is indeed a pack of bloodthirsty supermen who could kill his girlfriend at any time. If only, if only.
Next we have this scene of Edward in Bella’s room looking at a picture of the two of them together and then taking her into the woods so they can have a talk. He tells that he and his family are living Forks for good as people are noticing how Carlsisle isn’t aging apparently. Bella is crushed as her sole reason for living is telling her in a roundabout way that he (like all vampires) is always tempted to suck her dry. He then disappears leaving her in the woods as that is more dramatic where she runs after them. Yeah apparently she forgot in her grief that he has super speed. She then collapses on the ground, weeping.
She is then rescued by a shirtless Sam and brought to her father who has been frantic trying to find her. After that Bella basically becomes Emily Dickinson and mopes from September to December. This is intercut with scenes of her alienating herself from her human friends completely. Shrieking like she has been possessed in her sleep. All the while with a voiceover of how she is lost without the vampires (as she literally has no meaning without being the distressed damsel) and how the pain is good because it reminds her that Edward was real. To top of the clusterfuck of melodrama, we are treated to one of the most wangsty songs since before “How To Save A Life” was rescued from the heap by Scrubs throughtout this montage. Basically, she sounds like your average, depressed, misunderstood teenager.
Finally Charlie puts his foot down and tells her she is going to Jacksonville to live with her mother. She panics at this and makes up a bullshit excuse about going shopping with her friends to show she really is adjusting to vampire-free life. Charlie, the fucking idiot, buys it. Just when I had hopes for this movie too.
What follows is quite possibly the most painful moments in cinema I’ve seen in years. Bella, after having to remind her friend just who she is, goes to see a zombie movie. I may take pot shots at Bella for being vapid and more than a bit shallow but good Lord, I could almost feel the women’s lib movement being wiped out as I listening to her prattle on in valley-speak. Even BELLA looks like she wants to punch the girl in the face. Bella then tunes her out (thank God) as she sees a bunch of guys on bikes that remind of her of the assholes who tried to gangrape her that Edward rescued her from. Do You hate us so, God? Oh and thanks movie for perpetuating the ideas that all bikers = criminals. Sigh. She then sees Edward’s floating semi-transparent head (I am not making this up) telling her to keep walking. So what does Bella do? She says “I think I know them” and decides to WALK OVER TO THE PEOPLE SHE THINKS TRIED TO RAPE HER. She then sees Ghost Edward again telling her to turn around. She ignores it and stares at the one of the guys like a psycho. Oh it’s not her attempted-rapist after all. LOL. Somebody, shoot me. Please. In an effort to prove her idiocy beyond all doubt she hops on the back of the mistaken-rapist-guy’s bike.
To spite Ghost Edward.
She then meets back up with Jessica who speaks for us all when she calls Bella out on her idiocy.
Bella’s conclusion from this experience? “If a rush of danger is what it takes to see him, then that’s what I’ll find.”
There are no words. None.
Then we are given a scene that is nothing but padding of Bella bringing some motorcycles to Jacob so she can go thrill seek which leads to two other boys from the Quileute Tribe, Quil and Embry, who rib Jacob for his obvious crush on Bella’s non-even conceived fetus pasty self. You, the viewer, and Bella slowly realize that she is starting to care for Jacob even if he can’t keep the demonic dreams away. I admit that while reading the books I did support a Jacob/Bella relationship around this point until Breaking Dawn which killed any sympathy I had left for him. The male werewolves are sick fucks and that’s all I’m going to say on that.
Bella and Jacob are then driving down the road by the sea when we see a bunch of guys push someone off a cliff. Bella pulls over thinking they’re dead when Jacob explains they’re just cliff diving which “is a total rush.” I was by no means the only person who smacked their forehead on that one. Nice choice of words there, Idiot. What follows can only be described as a caustic tale in motorcycle safety with the moral: “Do not operate when having hallucinations of your vampire ex-boyfriend.” Pity, that’s not in the owner’s manual. Bella, of course, face plants. She apologizes for bleeding (battered person syndrome, anyone?) and he then takes off his shirt to mop up the cut on her forehead.
Bella proceeds to try and rejoin her old friends at lunch with the lovely ice breaker of how there are now 5 dead hikers whose killer her dad is trying to track down. Despite the fact that she clearly has no idea how to interact with these kids, they handwave her abnormality instead of shunning like most real teenagers would for ditching them. One kid, whose name I forget and who also has a crush on her, decides to ask her out to the movies now that she’s talking and eating again. Bella, caring person she is, accepts. Thus leading the poor guy on. You’ll notice a pattern of that here. She suggests going to see a movie called “Face Punch” (again, I am not making this up). Nameless-human-boy and Jacob somehow end up being the only two who show up at the theater trying (and failing) to insult each other. All the other muggle kids had other plans at the last minute.
With the way this movie has dragged on, I can’t fault them.
OK, I have to be at least at the halfway mark. 40 MINUTES?! I’ve sat here for what feels like for-fucking-ever and I’m not even an hour into this thing?! Absolute nothing happens! No. No. Nononono. Does not compute. DOES NOT COMPUTE! I can’t take any more of this bullshit movie! It was bad enough watching it once. Now watching it again to write the review? Fuck that noise. I’m done. You all can find someone else to do this goddamn review.
To be continued?
**I mean no disrespect to Emily Dickinson, she’s one of my favourite writers. But I won’t deny that the woman was a recluse.
***The “Does Not Compute” gag belongs to The Nostalgia Critic.
****I still can’t believe how long it takes this damn thing to get past all its padding and to the point.
The entire year I was applying and interviewing and waiting and interviewing and OH MY GOD, WHY HAVEN’T THEY MADE UP THEIR MINDS YET! yet waiting some more, I thought long and hard about how much good I wanted to do as a teacher.
I don’t regret it for a second.
Did I worry that I would be too young for them to respect?
Did I worry that I would have such a bad experience that I would be turned off teaching?
Did I let it really bother me?
Have you been reading this blog at all? No.
I remember my final interview with the principal here and her asking me about my temperament. I told her I was an optimist. To the point of being a cautious idealist. All attempts to curtail this impulse have failed spectacularly.
The day I got that blessed envelope stating my internship application had been approved?
I state here with no shame whatsoever that there was a slipper-aided version of The Running Man.
Other than some problems adjusting initially (going from elementary to high school students, such problems were anticipated), my first semester here has been great. I have actually found myself having fun dealing with all the stresses that are part and parcel of the job. Although, it has caused me to forget once twice a ridiculous amount of times that I am still a college student.
Not to sound like my mother but I’ve found my groove. My students respect AND like me. My coworkers are absolutely fantastic with me, showing me the ropes. And I may have a contract waiting in May because I wasn’t having enough trouble deciding my future as it was which is awesome.
Will teaching be what I do the rest of my life? Maybe. I have rough ideas bouncing around for a set of novels and a cookbook so we’ll see what happens there.
For now though, I have 15 seniors about to come in through the door. Who are dreading the idea of a group project. Which I find privately hilarious. I am a bit of a sadist. I am merely easily amused. Ah and here come the despodent angels now.
They see me smirking at them.
They feel nervous.
On the inside, I am cackling.
Well duty calls, so long kids.
So I’ve been a high-school teacher for a little over a month now and…well, you know how they say you never really understand someone’s situation until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes? Yeah, I’ve walked a marathon and can now see my piggies wiggling through the shoe. That said, to all high school teachers out there and most especially my own from way back when, God bless you ladies and gents.
In a moment of what I know recognize to be utter stupidity (certain people make keep sarcasm to themselves here, they know who they are) I thought “why not?” and decided to keep my full-time job at the restaurant. I figure if I could do it while working with the firsties, what difference would 3 days and three extra hours make?
Were it possible, I would go back in time and pop myself in the mouth.
Never let it be said that I am not headstrong at times. Basically it took me having several minor panic attacks and one painfully uncomfortable conversation with a more-than-slightly concerned boss to see the light. So Friday night, I worked the bar for the last time and said goodbye to the job I’ve held since I first came to Chapel Thrills. The extra cash was nice but thankfully, I don’t need it nor is it worth me having zero life outside of work, my internship, and classes.
Speaking of the internship, teaching high schoolers and especially seniors has been a rather…interesting experience this past month. A few slackers, one or two kids in need of a swift kick in the ass, but all in all a good bunch of sarcastic lunatics. Just my kind of people. So far the only somewhat-serious incident was a kid in my freshmen class who came in drunk and with some JD in a thermos.
Can you all keep a secret? It took every ounce of willpower in my body to keep a straight face while I walked them to the office. Especially when they began to talk about the porn parody of Sarah Palin along with rather amusing hand gestures. See, I can be an adult if I have to. I at least waited until I was in a bathroom to laugh long and hard.
This is going to be a fun year.
If I don’t get fired first.
My eyes ease open to unfamiliar, but well used, sheets. My right arm is propping up a pillow while my left is wrapped around a woman’s waist. It takes me a moment but in the moonlight I recognize the dirty blond hair as Eva’s natural colour, even if it is several inches shorter than I remember. I begin to hear crying in another room, I feel Eva stir in my arms before kissing the back of her neck while telling her I would take care of it. She mumbles an OK before settling back into the covers.
I slide out of the bed, the cold of the hardwood floors helping to sober me up.
The crying grows louder and despite the fact that I don’t recognize this house my body knows exactly where to go. I open a door at the end of the hallway. Inside is a yellow wooden crib. I move forward and lean over the railing to look in. Laying on a white blanket is a baby, her fists balled as she cries. I pick her up, feeling the dampness of her diaper as I do, and bring her over to the changing table set up for times like this.
As I remove the soaked diaper and clean her, I take in her features — knowing beyond a doubt that this is my child. Her tanned skin, light brown and very thick hair, and facial features reminiscent of both me and Eva. I slide a new diaper under her, humming a lullaby to calm her down.
She quiets down to hiccups then cooing as I tickle her belly. She reaches up with chubby arms, wanting me to hold her and as I oblige, lays her head down on my shoulder. I sway around the room, having a chattering conversation.
Then I wake and panic. I know dreams like this lead to hurt, I all ready learned that lesson the hard way. All my experience is screaming at me to forget this ever happened and not stress about one dream.
So why is it I woke up feeling like a part of me had been ripped away?